Monday, February 05, 2007

Things I Secretly Think Will Kill Me

1. Ovarian Cancer - I'm pretty sure that the whole Irritable Bowel Syndrome thing - the bloating and the pain and what-not - is actually a fatal case of ovarian cancer. I expect to find out when it's too late and to die a particularly dramatic and touching death.

2. Abdominal Aneurysm - If it's not ovarian cancer, it must be an aneurysm. In which case, it will burst suddenly, killing me without warning. Everyone will be left shaking their heads, muttering, "What a waste. She died so young and beautiful."

3. Bird Flu - I have crap lungs. One of them spontaneously collapsed recently. If a deadly respiratory disease sweeps the globe, I will definitely be one of the first to go.

4. Brain Tumor - One time, I think it was in Reader's Digest, this guy wrote about how the first symptom of his brain tumor was how when he scratched the back of head it sounded like scratching an empty cardboard box. I totally have that, right behind my right ear. Again, I won't be diagnosed until it's too late and I'll linger heroically for some certain amount of time until I succumb in a heart-breaking fashion.

5. Horrible, Mangling Car Accident - This is the one that I really believe is going to kill me. I guess maybe this is why I have so much respect for the admittedly inconvenient tendency of The Husband to refuse to get a driver's license.

6. Also, diabetes. Not very dramatic, but it gives me the motivation I need not to spoon powdered sugar directly into my mouth 24 hours a day.

7. Strangely enough, NOT cirrhosis of the liver, despite the fact that I'm drunk right now.


SerenitySprings said...

Don't forget stairs.

not one of the cool kids yet said...

It's really nice to know there is someone else in the world who gets drunk on a week night.