My 1/4 Year Resolution

I am committing to finishing the goofy knitting projects I've been dawdling with and starting something really cool by the end of March. Here's where I am right now.

1. Ridiculous Hat. I had this awesome ball of rainbow colored yarn and no idea what to do with it, so I'm inventing a hat and figuring out how to knit in the round.





2. Giant, Shapeless, Very Soft and Fuzzy Sweater. My first attempt at knitting something not for a baby. What you see here is a back and 96% of a front. I still need 2 sleeves and a neck. Somehow it's coming out way too big despite the fact that I could have sworn my gauge was accurate.



So, in conclusion, I shall finish these two projects just in time for it to be too warm to wear them. I shall then start way better projects that will not be complete until it is too cold to wear them.

Over the Counter Comedy

I went to Target today to attempt to buy a cane for The Husband. I thought they would probably be near the pharmacy, but I couldn't find one, so I asked one of the pharmacists if they sold canes. She wasn't sure and wandered into the back to ask the other pharmacists, but it turned out that this Target doesn't sell canes.

It was no big deal, and I continued browsing among the other health-related items. Then I realized I could hear the pharmacists mocking my question. It was OK though, because it was funny.

No, we don't sell canes here. We don't support caning. I mean, I personally don't mind it, but the company doesn't support it.

On another note, I think I have been terribly spoiled by our consumerist culture. I went out today to purchase an extra-large trash can, a cane, and some sugar-free gummy bears. I was actually annoyed that I had to go to two different stores to get all three of these items. (Actually, I settled by getting jelly beans instead of gummy bears. Otherwise, I would have had to go to three stores.) Super Wal*mart probably would have all three things.

So which would have been less responsible - to waste gasoline and contribute to global warming and pollution by driving around trying to find everything I wanted, or to shop at Wal*mart and support a company that discriminates against women and minorities, undermines efforts by employees to unionize, and destroys small business?

P.S.
Sugar-free Jelly Belly jelly beans: Bad.
Sugar-free Jelly Belly gummy bears: Good.
Sugar-free Jelly Belly fruit slices: Really Good But Don't Eat Too Many Seriously.

The Husband

It's a good thing The Husband is all cute and helpless right now because of this conversation we had yesterday:

I'm blah, blah, blahing about some potential career plans I might have. He makes a sound like he wants to say something, so I ask, "What?" He says, "Nothing. It's just that you sounded like you knew what you were talking about there for a second."

!

Anyway, poor The Husband was a victim of some slippery grass on a hill and has hurt himself pretty badly. There's nothing that makes you feel married to a person like helping him put his pants on. He couldn't make it up the stairs to go to bed last night, and it seems to have upset Dizzy Wizzy Kitty. I think she thinks cat-Mommy and cat-Daddy are fighting, what with the cat-Daddy sleeping on the couch and all. We've reassured her that it has nothing to do with her and sometimes cat-Daddies fall down and hurt themselves. It's not her fault. I doubt we'll have to resort to cat-therapy.

I can't blame The Husband too much for his surprise at my momentary articulateness (see - totally momentary). I chatter at The Husband for an hour straight sometimes. If you added up all the words I have ever said to everyone on the earth ever, it still wouldn't add up to the amount of stuff I've said to The Husband over the past several years we've been together. Rather than being insulted at his surprise when I sound knowledgeable, I'm just impressed he's still listening.

Why Public Broadcasting Is Vital

Only they can provide this kind of insightful President's Day programming.

Woe is a Middle Manager

It's been really hard to write lately because I made a promise to myself that, although it's fine to write about work, I wouldn't write about the individual people at work. But, lately everything has revolved around interpersonal drama.

Basically, one person quit with no notice. She had a giant outburst and stomped out. I'm still not sure I know exactly what was going on there with her and her co-workers. The rest of the staff seem to blame me for not fixing the problem sooner. Evidently my magic wand has been on the fritz. Then, another staff member decided not to show up for 3 weeks straight, and we couldn't fire her for reasons I won't go into here.

There's another staff member I have been secretly hoping would just up and quit. She's a wonderful person and very good at her job, but I managed to get off on the wrong foot with her. She's older than me with more experience, and sometimes I really don't have the confidence to be her boss. It would be easier for her to leave than for me to get back on her good side and stop feeling insecure and self-conscious. However, I knew there was no way she was leaving, so I've been busy sucking it up.

UNTIL - today she did just up and quit to take a way better job making more money than I do. At least she gave 2 week's notice. I'm a little disturbed by my awesome mental power of making things come true just by thinking about them.

Fear me.

Things I Secretly Think Will Kill Me

1. Ovarian Cancer - I'm pretty sure that the whole Irritable Bowel Syndrome thing - the bloating and the pain and what-not - is actually a fatal case of ovarian cancer. I expect to find out when it's too late and to die a particularly dramatic and touching death.

2. Abdominal Aneurysm - If it's not ovarian cancer, it must be an aneurysm. In which case, it will burst suddenly, killing me without warning. Everyone will be left shaking their heads, muttering, "What a waste. She died so young and beautiful."

3. Bird Flu - I have crap lungs. One of them spontaneously collapsed recently. If a deadly respiratory disease sweeps the globe, I will definitely be one of the first to go.

4. Brain Tumor - One time, I think it was in Reader's Digest, this guy wrote about how the first symptom of his brain tumor was how when he scratched the back of head it sounded like scratching an empty cardboard box. I totally have that, right behind my right ear. Again, I won't be diagnosed until it's too late and I'll linger heroically for some certain amount of time until I succumb in a heart-breaking fashion.

5. Horrible, Mangling Car Accident - This is the one that I really believe is going to kill me. I guess maybe this is why I have so much respect for the admittedly inconvenient tendency of The Husband to refuse to get a driver's license.

6. Also, diabetes. Not very dramatic, but it gives me the motivation I need not to spoon powdered sugar directly into my mouth 24 hours a day.

7. Strangely enough, NOT cirrhosis of the liver, despite the fact that I'm drunk right now.

In Honor of Dizzy Wizzy Stinky Breath

If you've ever spent time with a cat, you'll probably relate to this story.