Unruly Duckling

The TBR List is a Lie

2009-08-14T21:25:00.004-05:00

I am a TBR Challenge failure. What's the point, really? Why shouldn't I just read whatever I want when I want? No reason. So that is what I will do.

Anyway, here's my literal "To Be Read" pile.

I think I will retrieve Down and Out in Paris and London from the abandoned TBR list and add it to the pile. The rest of them are either read, rejected, or on hiatus for the foreseeable future.

Here are the results of my very last ever TBR challenge.

The List!

The Amber Spyglass - Philip Pullman

Read. It was good. I recommend.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft

Read. It was disturbing. I learned a lot. Recommend.

Bait and Switch: The (Futile) Pursuit of the American Dream - Barbara Ehrenreich

Read. Felt discouraged. I still think I recommend.

Gravity's Rainbow - Thomas Pynchon

Attempted to read three times. Each time I get a bit further before I give up and skip to the dirty parts. Inspires incredible cravings for bananas.

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West - Gregory Maguire

Read. It was also good. Also recommend.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Omnibus: Volume 1 - Joss Whedon and Others

Read. It was good, although my expectations were awfully high, and a few parts seemed too goofy to me. However, all things Whedon and Whedon-adjacent are generally recommended.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

Did not read. One of those things I continue to feel I should read so that I will be less ignert.

Pink Ribbons, Inc.: Breast Cancer and the Politics of Philanthropy - Samantha King

Did not read. Skimmed a little bit and it wasn't as engaging as I thought it would be.

American Gods: A Novel - Neil Gaiman

Read. It was good. Recommend this one, too.

Frankenstein - Mary Shelley

Did not read. Probably will eventually.

Naked Lunch - William S. Burroughs

Rejected. Too much anal penetration while being hanged by the neck.

I, Robot - Isaac Asimov

Read. It was good. I can not imagine how they made a Will Smith movie out of this unless they just stole the title and ignored all the things that made it good.

The Alternates!

Down and Out in Paris and London - George Orwell

Did not read. Yet.

The Daily Coyote: A Story of Love, Survival, and Trust in the Wilds of Wyoming - Shreve Stockton

Don't even own yet.

Gang Leader for a Day: A Rogue Sociologist Takes to the Streets - Sudhir Venkatesh

Don't even own yet.

The Call of the Cthulhu - H.P. Lovecraft

Um, not scary. Rejected.

On the Road - Jack Kerouac

Rejected. Casual misogyny. Pissed me off after about 10 pages.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream - Hunter S. Thompson

Read. Totally awesome. Will probably read again a couple of times. And watch the movie some more, too.

The Day the Earth Stood Still and other SF Novellas - Harry Bates

Read. Ridiculously boring and predictable. How in the world did this story spawn two movies and come to be considered a sci-fi classic?

Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why - Bart D. Ehrman

Don't even own yet.

A Cat and Her Pants

2009-08-08T12:02:00.001-05:00

Who's Your Daddy?

2009-01-08T21:05:00.000-06:00

"So," I say to The Husband one evening. "You know how I'm all about dismantling the binary gender paradigm?"

"Of course," he says.

"What do you think about this?" I want to know.

There's a client who has a couple of children and is expecting another. She is in a relationship with another woman who is expecting her first baby. The mother and the partner have told the children to call the partner "Daddy."

The consensus among the social workers is that this is negative and confusing for the children. To be fair, no one would tell that to the mom since no one believes the kids are actually being significantly harmed, just that the situation is weird and bad judgment on the part of the mother.

My first visceral reaction was also negative, but I'm trying to examine this reflex. If we look at it objectively should calling a female partner and caregiver "Daddy" even be considered an issue?

The Husband wondered what the partner's own child would call her. He thought that being the daddy to some children and mommy to others would be more confusing than having mismatching gendered labels. I pointed out that the same caregiver could be called mommy, aunt, granny, etc. by different children, and no one would worry about those kids being detrimentally confused. But, we still agreed that it just felt different. I'm still not sure why.

"Daddy" essentially means "male parent," but many male caregivers are called "Daddy" even though they don't have a biological relationship to the children who call them that, and I don't know of anyone who would have an issue in that case. Why is it even necessary to have different titles for male and female primary caregivers? And if it's not, why should any of us care if a woman wants to be the daddy?

What do you think?

Fish and Stuff in Monterey

2009-01-05T18:54:00.000-06:00

Part One: Art and Stuff in San Francisco

After a few days in San Jose, The Husband finished up his work, and we began vacationing in earnest. The first item on our agenda was the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Before we even made it into the aquarium, we spotted a few of these cute little guys lounging in the bay.

There was plenty more cuteness to be had inside.

Are frogs cute? I at least thought these were.

There was also incredible gorgeousness to be enjoyed.

My favorite, however, was the "Outer Bay" tank, which was filled with all manner of giant fish and terrifying sharks lurking in the murky darkness. The murky darkness was very atmospheric but was a bitch to photograph. I promise this is a very impressive hammerhead shark.

They also had a great white shark, but they've since released it back into the ocean since it wasn't eating. I'm pretty sure this is it, but who can tell? Unfortunately this rather representative of my shark photography.

On the way back to San Francisco, the fog rolled in.

We didn't let that stop us from enjoying the boardwalk in Santa Cruz.

To Be Read Challenge 2009

2009-01-02T14:31:00.000-06:00

It took me forever, but I've finalized my To Be Read Challenge 2009 list. I wasn't sure how to decide which would be on my actual list and which would be alternates since completing any twelve would fulfill the challenge, so I first included books I already have at home, then the ones I think I'm most likely to find and read, and then the rest are alternates.

The List!

The Amber Spyglass - Philip Pullman

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft

Bait and Switch: The (Futile) Pursuit of the American Dream - Barbara Ehrenreich

Gravity's Rainbow - Thomas Pynchon

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West - Gregory Maguire

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Omnibus: Volume 1 - Joss Whedon and Others

Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

Pink Ribbons, Inc.: Breast Cancer and the Politics of Philanthropy - Samantha King

American Gods: A Novel - Neil Gaiman

Frankenstein - Mary Shelley

Naked Lunch - William S. Burroughs

I, Robot - Isaac Asimov

The Alternates!

Down and Out in Paris and London - George Orwell

The Daily Coyote: A Story of Love, Survival, and Trust in the Wilds of Wyoming - Shreve Stockton

Gang Leader for a Day: A Rogue Sociologist Takes to the Streets - Sudhir Venkatesh

The Call of the Cthulhu - H.P. Lovecraft

On the Road - Jack Kerouac

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream - Hunter S. Thompson

The Day the Earth Stood Still and other SF Novellas - Harry Bates

Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why - Bart D. Ehrman

Gratitude and Bitterness

2008-12-31T17:23:00.001-06:00

Jon Swift asked his readers about their best blog posts from 2008, and bfp posed the question, "What was important to you this year?" They each got me thinking about what I went through - and put myself through - this year with all the hand-wringing and soul searching and general anxiety.

I spent way too much time forgetting how unbelievably fortunate I am in so many ways. Not only that I have all the material things I need (and many more I don't), but I'm healthy, and I'm safe. Those things alone make me richer than most people in the world.

On top of that, I have such amazing people in my life. The Husband, his family, my family, my friends - all of you are kind and decent and smart and funny and a joy to be around. I can't even complain about my in-laws. It almost makes me feel guilty to be able to say that.

I am disgusted with how much time I spent unhappy and whining over a job. I know my brain was kind of broken at the time, but looking back with a clearer head it's hard to understand why the idea of getting another job if I didn't like the one had was so impossible.

The only option I felt like I had was to suffer until I went crazy and then quit altogether and hide away from any responsibility at all. Goodness knows the isolation, pointlessness, and feelings of inadequacy engendered by unemployment did wonders for my mental health. On the other hand, it did give me the opportunity to forget how sucky it felt to have a job and remember how sucky it felt not to.

The best thing to come out of that whole weirdness is a better sense of proportion when it comes to the importance of any one particular job. For now I really like the job I have, and I hope I like it for a long time, but if I don't, I can (drumroll, please) look for another one! Feeling trapped is a miserable situation, and I can choose not to feel that way. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So anyway... Here comes the bitter part. I was reading some old posts (not that there were that many this year) and noticed a line from this entry:

My boss supports me and works with me to be sure that my position is fulfilling to me and allows me to use my strengths for the good of the agency.

I don't really remember writing this, but I can remember feeling it. And I can remember why, too. That boss of mine was border-line emotionally abusive. She would sneer and criticize and roll her eyes at me nearly every day until I was ready to cry, and then just before I ran sobbing from the building, she would be all sympathetic and encouraging.

At that point I would be so caught off-guard and grateful for the bone she threw me, I would walk out of her office feeling like she was the bestest person ever and filled with determination to work super hard so I could deserve her wonderfulness. She'd start being mean and critical again such a little bit at a time, I wouldn't even realize it until I was right back at wanting to jump out a window.

These crappy mind games nearly pushed this anxiety patient right over the edge, but I was so wrapped up in guilt and self-blame for all my internal issues, I wasn't even registering the external problems that were exacerbating the crazy. I have a friend who still works there, and she described working with the same boss like being in an abusive relationship, so I know it's not just my oversensitivity or bitterness coloring my recollection.

My old boss is pretty awful, and I'm not sure why she chose to work in a profession that involves caring about people. It's not that I don't have respect for her. She's wicked smart and has the instincts of an alpha wolf. It's just that those talents could be better put to use in law or politics or maybe organized crime.

But, the point is that she is not my problem any more. I'm feeling really optimistic about 2009, and, as I said over at bfp's place, that's not the manic side-effects of Lexapro withdrawal talking this time.

The Duckling Drinks Bonarda

2008-12-29T12:35:00.000-06:00

Finca Dubois
Mendoza, Argentina
2005 Bonarda
$15.50 at 4 Seasons

Full disclosure: I have been suffering with gross sinus issues for a couple of weeks, so my ability to fully experience wine may be impaired.

I've never had a Bonarda before, but evidently it's becoming Argentina's most planted variety. This wine is a deep almost violet color. I first noticed a sweet licorice aroma as well as flavor, like black jelly beans. Also notes of blackberries, cherries, cloves. It had a little bit of a boozy finish, which is my least favorite thing about a lot of the richer red wines. See the above disclaimer, but I don't love it $15 worth.

My father-in-law continues to hook me up with copious amounts of wine, so I will forgive him for casting aspersions on my nature-loving, crunchy-granola cred over Christmas. (Dude, you live in a gated community. Don't be judgin'.) He assumed I wouldn't want to go on a vacation to Colorado since I evidently don't love the outdoors as much as everyone else, but, thanks to him, I now have a miniature wine refrigerator sitting on top of my regular wine refrigerator just to deal with the overflow. Pop-in-law remains firmly in my good graces.

The case of wine he hauled out for me also came with a tasting chart to guide one in identifying all the fascinating flavors and aromas wine can offer, such as sweaty saddle and wet dog, so expect the Duckling Drinks series to flourish in the upcoming year, both in terms of volume and weirdness.

TBR Challenge: The Golden Compass, So Far

2008-12-28T14:24:00.000-06:00

(Some degree of spoiler to follow...)

I'm about half way through The Golden Compass, which turns out to be about the brutal psychological mutilation of children. I was choking on tears trying to fall asleep last night while thinking about this little boy in the book pathetically clutching a dried fish to his chest as it was all he had in the world to comfort himself.

This may be imaginary torture done to imaginary children, which wouldn't even be possible in real life, but emotionally bereft little orphans don't make for the most enjoyable reading in my opinion.

At this point I'm only reading to get to the part where the people perpetrating these atrocities are made to suffer until they weep with regret for what they've done before they die a painful death. At least that's how I'm hoping it will end.

TBR Challenge 2008 = Fail

2008-12-23T22:13:00.000-06:00

A recent comment on this post from Traivor reminded me about my sadly neglected To Be Read list for 2008. I guess it was actually only a 50% failure, since between the original list and my alternates I did read six of the twelve necessary to complete the challenge.

Actually, there may still be time in the year to knock out one more book, and bring myself above the halfway point. The Golden Compass is probably my best bet.

It's not that I didn't read a ton of books this year. I just got ridiculously fixated on Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. I read every one of those books this year (with the exception of the "young adult" novels) and most of them twice. You'll notice there are over 30 books on that list, so I was definitely reading my head off most of the time. I merely failed to branch out.

I tried putting only one Discworld book on my TBR list in an attempt to ensure diverse reading material throughout the year, but I do not have the discipline to enforce rules against myself. However, I'm at least going to post another list for 2009 and give myself a goal. None of the books I'm considering are part of a really awesome 30 book series, so maybe there won't be so much temptation to get sidetracked.

Art and Stuff in San Francisco

2008-12-23T11:30:00.003-06:00

Last Friday was the annual Festivus celebration complete with miniature Festivus pole party favors. Although I was feeling sickly and left before the feats of strength, I did stay long enough to have a grievance aired against me. Sealegs has an issue with the fact that I take a billion photos and promise to email them to people and post them on the internet when I actually just walk around with a billion pictures in my camera that no one ever sees.

Wishing to address this grievance I emailed Sealegs the Halloween and Christmas tree chopping pictures I owed her and am now finally posting the photos from San Fransisco. Well, considering I took over 415 pictures during a four day trip I may just be getting a start posting the best 100 or so. What I lack in talent, I make up for in sheer quantity.

At the end of August The Husband had a business trip to San Jose, and since I was unemployed and had nowhere else to be, I tagged along, and we made a long weekend of it. The first couple of days The Husband had to work, so I drove into San Fransisco to wander around on my own.

The first place I checked out was the San Fransisco Museum of Craft + Design. It was very cool, but quite tiny, so I was glad I didn't go out of my way to visit it. I probably saw the whole thing in great detail in about 20 minutes.

Then I headed over to Chinatown, which was just a few blocks away. It wasn't the picture-taking treasure trove I thought it would be. I don't know if it was the self-guided tour I was taking (which mostly seemed to point out places to buy stuff) or what, but I was just not digging the vibe of Chinatown at all. The staggering concentration of tacky souvenir shops alone was rather off putting. After wandering around for an hour or two, I was hot and sunburned, and I just wanted a plain iced tea without gooey bubbles or sugary, creamy crap in it and a place to sit down. Unfortunately, I was denied.

I was, however, determined to get my Asian culture on, so I inched my way through San Francisco traffic to the Asian Art Museum. I arrived about three hours before closing, and I still wished I had more time to spend there. Generally everything is better with The Husband around, but I was glad I came here by myself so I could take as much time as I wanted to peer intently at each object. I seriously could have spent an hour in each of the 30 rooms.

Made of a real human skull:

At this point, Blogger is giving me all sorts of attitude about uploading pictures, so I'll pick up later with our excursion to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium, the Santa Cruz boardwalk, and other delightful Bay-area attractions.

A Job and an Education

2008-12-21T22:59:00.001-06:00

This new job that's got me all energized is proving to be really difficult to write about. I'm working in a preschool for homeless children as a Something-or-other Coordinator, but really I do a little bit of everything: play with the kids in the classroom, clean up messes, handle sobbing parents in the middle of all kinds of crises, build and administer the database, and help to ensure the children get the therapy and counseling and medical care they need.

One thing that's easy to say so far is that I didn't know crap about the face of the homeless problem in this city or this country. Oh, I thought I did in some sort of statistics-quoting, liberal, middle-class, I work in non-profit so I have do-gooder cred kind of way, but it's so much uglier and more complicated than I realized.

I knew that domestic violence is the leading cause of homelessness among women and children, and I found it sad and regrettable. But, actually seeing the walls behind which so many women live in secrecy and fear because the men they loved and trusted brutalized and terrorized them, I feel so impotently furious I have to avoid thinking about it.

Hearing the stories of young mothers who were abused and rejected by their own families, left to grow up the best they could in one foster home after another until they aged out of the system with no one to count on, but who are struggling to do better by their own children, I actually feel hopeful.

Knowing how many families end up on the street after a lay off or an illness or one of a dozen other reasons outside of anyone's control, I feel so unreasonably lucky to have the family and the education and all the support and resources I do.

And unfortunately, dealing with parents who seem so lazy and resistant to help for themselves and their children, I feel disgusted. I want to have empathy and respect for everyone we serve, but I don't know how to be understanding of someone who can't be bothered to say a couple of words to me to authorize free services for her child. Hell, she didn't even have to sign a piece of paper, just say, "OK."

I want to write about what I encounter and be fair and honest and maybe even kind of educational, but I also don't want to violate anyone's privacy (or get myself in trouble), so I'll have to fudge some details and invent others to make a true point but respect everyone involved. That's going to be a lot harder than posting pictures of my vacation and telling stories about my cat, and I don't know if I'll be any good at it.

Going Down To Liverpool

2008-12-16T21:07:00.001-06:00

We last left half of our protagonists in a Dublin tour bus taking blurry photographs. The other half were lost in the mean Irish streets.

We all reunited in the airport to catch our Ryan Air flight to Liverpool. Ryan Air sells super cheapo no-frills flights which limit passengers to 1.5 ounces of carry on luggage provided it will fit inside a Tic Tac container. In order to comply, we bought a duffel bag and rented a locker in the Dublin airport to jettison as much extra weight as possible. That morning the excellently helpful bed and breakfast owner even loaned us her bathroom scale so we could confirm that we were within the weight limits. Of course this completely ensured that no one at the airport bothered to glance at our luggage, let alone weigh it. Bah. Whatever.

In Liverpool, we caught a cab to our rented flat. Our driver was a bit strange, and the conversation veered into threats of bodily harm, which kind of made sense as a joke at the time but still.

Somewhere around this time I quit writing notes in my journal, so the chronology breaks down a bit in my mind. Feel free to correct me. I'm sure much of the confusion stems from the alcohol-induced brain damage incurred during a night on the town with the way-cooler-than-me Gail.

We started at the Jacaranda where the Beatles got their start. It was amateur night, or something like that, and I was really enjoying the music and the atmosphere. But, it got hot and crowded, so we moved on, and the night quickly devolved into drunken absurdity. There was kung-fu fighting involved. It kind of looked like this at points.

The whole next day was lost to an epic hangover. The Husband, Gail, Sealegs, and Ponylagoon (or your preferred webonym), however, went on a field trip and had losts of fun without Traivor and me. Traivor at least got out of bed and left the flat at some point. I was prone until sundown.

Some time after my not dying, we visited Chinatown and took an amphibious city tour on the Yellow Duckmarine. We saw a bunch of stuff like this and then went home. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the end of this story that started a mere seven and a half months ago.

Ireland: Day Oh So Long Ago

2008-12-11T21:51:00.001-06:00

So I get this serious urge to revive the old blog, and then I find myself completely blocked. What's up with that? Anyway, I thought I'd pull a post out of the way back basket and wrap up the Ireland epic. Maybe I can finish it up during the same calendar year we actually took the trip.

Day Whatever-It-Is-Now began with a visit to Newgrange, one of the prehistoric passage tombs in County Meath.

Photos inside the tomb were forbidden, but I nabbed some off the Super Web.

On the winter solstice, the sun streams into a small opening just above the door and floods the heart of the tomb with light for the only time all year.

Next we drove into Dublin and, due to a total failure of modern communication technology, lost half our traveling party. We didn't have much time before we were due to catch a plane for Liverpool, so we decided to maximize our sightseeing minutes and seconds by taking a bus tour of the city and worry about catching up with everyone else at the airport. Unfortunately, the only visual representation of this portion of our journey is a bunch of blurry photos of dimly remembered churches and civic structures half obscured by trees and light posts. So, never mind about that.

Next! On to Liverpool.

Does This Popcorn Make Me Look Evil?

2008-12-06T12:25:00.001-06:00

When I started writing this I was just going to tell some silly stories about some kids I used to babysit, however it has completely gone off the rails. Anyway...

I had an ongoing engagement at a huge Baptist church providing childcare during date night and other special events. I also had a weekly group of 6-8 year olds to take care of while their moms attended some sort of bible study. The first week the kids and I just played games and ate snack and wholesome stuff like that. However, the second week I was requested to come early for "teacher training" where I was introduced to the fundamentalist propaganda with which I was expected to indoctrinate the children.

For a while I suffered a crisis of conscience teaching the children that the Bible was true and infallible, which, frankly, is a logically impossible position to maintain under strict and honest scrutiny however much you love Jesus Christ. Shortly afterward, however, I found myself participating in a completely earnest conversation about the Tooth Fairy, and I figured that if I didn't mind fibbing about some crazy tooth-obsessed lady with plenty of spare change, I didn't have a lot of standing to balk at telling a few Bible stories.

Of course, the Tooth Fairy never inspired anyone to stand around shouting about how much God hates gay people, so I'm left to admit that I justified keeping that job because it was steady money, I liked riding the train downtown, and the kids were a ton of fun. The Sunday after my last day there, the church was picketed because of a widely publicized anti-gay sermon. That really made me horrified with myself that I had been even a tiny, mostly mercenary part of that place.

Looking back, I feel like a big asshole about the whole debacle, so I made a donation to the Resource Center as sort of a gay penance. On a related note Gaybingo in January has an Emerald City theme, and I feel like that's one place where I can wear my Dorothy costume and enjoy my hairy legs with pride. So, who wants to go?

In the further spirit of true confession, The Husband and I also bought some popcorn from the Boy Scouts, and then we felt really bad because we forgot they were run by homophobic bigots. I'm terribly sorry. We just like popcorn, I swear.

Also, maybe next time I'll get to the silly story before I go on the inevitable ranty tangent. With a little effort, maybe I can offend the other half of my friends.

A Brief Holiday Update

2008-11-30T16:16:00.003-06:00

I was on the phone with my mother, working out the Thanksgiving details, when she interrupts herself to shout, "Now THAT'S what I think about it."

My dad is the background laughing hysterically, so I ask my mom what's going on over there.

"Well," she tells me. "Your father and I were having a disagreement earlier, so I pooted at him. But, it was just a small poot, so I saved up a big one until just now so he would know how I really felt."

We have fun.

Moving On

2008-11-29T13:48:00.002-06:00

I've really missed writing in this blog, but my brain has seriously been getting in my way. This is an example of a recurring problem of mine. I'll start a project, such as writing about the trip to Ireland, but I'll lose interest along the way, usually because I procrastinate for so long that I get tired of thinking about it. However, I refuse to allow myself to move on to anything else until I finish the original project that no longer motivates me. So, I end up accomplishing nothing, paralyzed by my own stubbornness.

While I'm feeling energized by a big change in my life, I'm going to try to break out of some old habits, including this one. So, here I am, tippity tapping out my optimistic little thoughts about not being so self-defeatingly weird. I'm sure I'll fall back into old habits eventually, at least to some extent. My hope is that each time I resolve to make some change it will stick at least a little bit, so all the time I'll be getting a little better without worrying about being perfect right away. I'm sure I'll become a transcendently flawless creature given enough time, and you'll all worship me as a deity, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Anyway, I plan to be back shortly. My new job should generate some interesting stories. I'll probably wrap up the epic Irish journey, as well, just in the interest of neatness. Of course, I'll just bloviate pointlessly when I feel the need. So, there's that to look forward to.

The Angry! It's Everywhere!

2008-09-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

For the sake of my mental health, I've been intentionally avoiding the internet for a while now - no blogging for about a month now, no Twitters for more than a week, checking my email only once or twice a day, reading ten or twenty blog posts instead of hundreds every day. Being on the internet was beginning to feel more like a compulsion than an enjoyable hobby, so I cut myself off. I've been spending more time knitting and reading. Next, I might try going outside. The world is my oyster!

Also, however, I have to admit that the shear weight of horribleness on the intertubular cyberway was also starting to get me down. I know it's cowardly, but I decided to take the luxury of sticking my head in the sand for a while and acting like I can ignore all the patriarchal bullshit for at least a few days at a time. My first mistake was forgetting to gouge out my eyeballs and eardrums because that's the minimum it would take.

The Husband recently bought some magazines to read on the plane during a recent trip. One of them, Sound and Vision Magazine, was about ridiculously huge televisions and DVDs and frivolous fun crap like that. It had a picture of Masi Oka from Heroes on the cover. My unhealthy obsession with TV shows of all kinds has been previously documented, so I thought I'd thumb through it looking for more obsession-enabling gadgets to drool over.

I didn't realize this publication is Not For Me. You see, I'm a silly annoying wife who only exists to thwart my husband's quest for awesome stuff. This didn't dawn on me until I started reading this article. (It's short so you can read it really quick. However, I don't know how long they keep their articles posted on online.) I don't know why this stupid article about installing a (really awesome) giant screen in your living room is what made me finally want to speak up when there are such atrocities going on every day, but I actually decided to write the editor an email.

Let me quote from the article "Best of Both Worlds" from the September 2008 issue.

"While most guys would giggle like wee schoolgirls at the thought of having a TV dominate the room, their significant others generally prefer a diminutive set that sits demurely in the corner."

As a "significant other" it felt like a slap in the face to be so suddenly and dismissively written out of the conversation. My reproductive organs in no way affect my ability to appreciate and enjoy incredible A/V technology. You can believe that none of our friends spend time at our house marveling at our frilly pillows or whatever you mean by my "design acumen." Everyone I know, endowed with a Y chromosome or not, would agree that a 100-inch viewing screen in my living room really would be worth marveling at.

The "Wife Acceptance Factor" of your magazine just hit rock bottom in this household.

I guess many problems seem so overwhelmingly enormous that my email or signature on a petition couldn't possibly accomplish anything. But maybe someone at this magazine will actually realize that women do appreciate and spend money on stuff that doesn't clean carpets or mix dough, and maybe their advertisers wouldn't appreciate them marginalizing all those potential consumers. Of course it would be great to be respected just for. . . I don't know. . . being a person, instead of a potential source of revenue, but let's not get all crazy now.

Ireland: Day 5

2008-07-25T20:34:00.001-05:00

This morning we checked out the Carrickfergus Castle, an intimidating, massive, and not particularly charming castle. Although not picturesque, the castle was full of mannequins enacting scenes from daily life in the middle ages, including the king taking a royal dump.

From there we drove into Belfast and found a Black Taxi Tour - basically a private tour for a small group with a knowledgeable driver who explained the history of the conflict in Northern Ireland, gave us some perspective on what life is like today in Belfast, and answered any questions we had. I was really impressed with how unbiased he was. We tried to speculate as to whether he was Catholic or Protestant, but we couldn't tell.

First he took us to a Protestant neighborhood to see some of the murals on the homes and buildings. Some of them depict historical scenes, while others are memorials to those who died in the conflict. One of the murals was in remembrance of a member of one Protestant militia group who was murdered by a different Protestant group. Sometimes it seems like the human capacity for discord and violence is endless. I also noticed racist graffiti and stickers in one of the neighborhoods we walked in. Seriously, why can't we all just get along?

Then we traveled into a Catholic neighborhood where the driver showed us some of the memorial gardens that the communities have established.

There's a huge wall between the Protestant and Catholic areas of the city. You can see here where the government has installed grates on the back of the houses near the wall because people on the other side will lob bricks and bottles, which were breaking windows and landing in homes.

Despite the relative peace for the last 14 years, the wall is being built taller and stronger all the time. Our guide seemed to think the wall contributed greatly to that peace, rather than any deep sense of love and understanding among the populace. According the driver, even streets that aren't behind walls are largely segregated, and Catholics and Protestants lead mostly separate lives within Belfast.

This graffiti stands for "kill all taigs," a slur against the Catholics. There's definitely still at least some anger between the two sides. It makes me hopeful though, that a new generation is coming of age without having experienced the bombings and killings.

These are murals by the Catholics in honor of other oppressed (or "oppressed" depending on your political leanings) peoples around the world with whom the Catholics identify and feel affinity, such as the Cubans, Basques, Palestinians, and Iraqis.

The Catholics also created murals commemorating their dead in the conflict, such as these in honor of Bobby Sands and other hunger strikers who died protesting the treatment of Catholic political prisoners.

As our guide kept reminding us, people on both sides fought, killed, and died for their lives and freedom and homes because they believed what they were doing was right. I left Northern Ireland with the sense that many were also striving for peace, and I hope they prevail.

Ireland: Day 4

2008-07-22T16:42:00.000-05:00

I know the conclusion to our Ireland excursion is a long time coming, but it's because of a minor tragedy. I lost the book in which I chronicled our trip. It has to be somewhere here in the house, so I kept waiting for it to turn up on its own, figuring I would continue writing in the blog once I found it. That doesn't seem to be likely to happen any time soon, so I'll just get on with it, and my traveling companions can correct me or fill in any blanks I leave.

This was an exhausting day, but we saw so much amazing stuff. We left Donegal first thing in the morning to explore the northern coast. On the advice of our hostess at the last nights' B & B, we made a rare unplanned side trip in order to check out Slieve League. We were persuaded to make the harrowing drive partly based on the fact that Slieve League boasts the highest sea cliffs in Europe. Except they're not. If you believe Wikipedia they are only the second highest sea cliffs in Ireland, never mind the rest of the continent. Unfortunately, I didn't have my surveying equipment with me that day, so I can not independently verify any claim regarding the height of Slieve League.

The drive up to the cliffs was beautiful, exhilarating, and only a little bit terrifying. Since Ponylagoon had graciously offered to drive I really enjoyed this crazy ride more than our ill-advised jaunts through the narrow-laned countryside or the perilous trek over the Connor Pass. The roads were incredibly steep and just wide enough for one car in most places. Fortunately we didn't encounter anyone tearing through the villages and over the hills at insane speeds, so it felt safe if totally absurd.

The road afforded some gorgeous ocean vistas, and we stopped at a turnout to admire the view, but were completely distracted by the sheep instead and took about 1,000 pictures of them. Ireland is just lousy with the woolly things.

We proceeded onto the viewing area for Slieve League, which was very untouristy compared to many other sites. There were hardly any guardrails or parking lot and no interpretive signs or bathrooms. The hostess who encouraged us to check it out told us that the government had received a grant to develop the area for tourism, so I don't know how much longer it will be so natural. It was certainly beautiful and worth the drive, which was a big part of the fun as far as I'm concerned.

From Slieve League, we headed to Dunluce Castle, built on an outcropping over the North Channel. The castle is so close to the edge of the cliffs that in the 1600s the kitchen slid into the sea, killing several of the staff. Not only did I enjoy roaming freely around the ruins, but the views of the cliffs and the deep blue ocean were incredible.

I'm hesitant to even bring up this next incident for fear of Sealegs' head exploding. We attempted to traverse the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge. About two minutes before the ticket office closed, we ran up to thrust our money through the window and pay for admission before it was too late. However, we overheard the vendor telling the people in line ahead of us that he wasn't selling tickets any more and we'd have to get them down at the bridge.

So, a whole herd of us positively stampeded up and down a kilometer's worth of hills and stairs to arrive at the rope bridge only to be told that they never sold tickets down there and we were all a bunch of lying liars who lie. The walk back to the car was the angriest kilometer ever.

Here's a picture of the bridge we did not get to cross and one of the lovely views I didn't get to take much time to enjoy due to all the furious stampeding and stomping.

We then shook off our disappointment and headed to the Giant's Causeway, which seemed to cheer everyone up except for The Husband who wasn't that upset about the bridge in the first place, nor that impressed with the Causeway. He's like a rock, that man.

Anyway, the Giant's Causeway may have been my favorite part of the trip, definitely in the top three at least. The Causeway itself was just amazing. It's hard to imagine that such strange formations are natural. But, I also enjoyed the time we took for a long hike along the cliffs above the Causeway. Many of my favorite vacation experiences have been just rambling along under the sky, through landscapes I may never see again.

In this one, you can see a lot of the path we followed along the cliffs:

I think we were standing about half way down the cliff on the first or second outcropping when I took the picture above:

Unfortunately, I'm not a very athletic duckling any more. This whole day, especially the hike down the Causeway and back up, very nearly killed me. Luckily, there was a grand old hotel on the grounds where we had dinner and some fortifying Guinness before driving on to Carrickfergus for the night.

P.S. Somewhere in there we visited the Bushmills Distillery gift shop, seeing as we were too late to take the tour. I don't have any photographs or happy/interesting memories of the Bushmills Distillery gift shop.

P.P.S. Evidently I started writing this post exactly a month ago, almost down to the minute.

TGI Monday

2008-06-23T11:31:00.003-05:00

I have a very unhealthy relationship with weekends, and I'm usually glad when they're over. This weekend was typical.

Friday evening The Husband and I celebrated our anniversary with a fancy dinner and a bottle of champagne. I stayed up way too late and had a little too much to drink and woke up around noon on Saturday slightly hung-over. So, I huddled on the couch like a big inanimate lump until I fell back asleep around 3. I didn't wake up until dinner. Of course, then I felt all groggy and did nothing but loll on the couch some more. I couldn't fall asleep until late, so I woke up late again on Sunday, and the whole cycle started again.

I wake up with a headache from sleeping so late, so all I want to do is lie around feeling sorry for myself. Getting up and acting like a person instead of some sort of pre-motile protoplasm would make me feel 100% better, but the longer I allow my butt to fuse with the couch the stiffer and achier and more depressed I feel, which makes it exponentially harder to accomplish the simple task of putting on some shoes and going outside or picking up the phone when someone calls wanting to do something fun.

My problem is just unvarnished laziness, but once the week starts, even if I don't have a work assignment for the day, I feel the need to get up in the morning and accomplish at least a few small tasks to justify my existence. Even then I usually wish I had done more with my day.

My lack of self-discipline makes me feel bad about myself, and then feeling bad about myself makes me depressed, and then feeling depressed makes me want to lie around and mope, which totally wrecks my self-discipline, and so on and so on and shooby dooby doo wah. Any one up for delivering the swift kick in the ass I obviously need for being so pathetic?

Since y'all are probably all at work or busy not being pitiful, I'll give myself the inaugural butt kicking. Right this second, I am firing up the woefully neglected elliptical machine and getting some freaking exercise. Then I'm going to close the laptop for the rest of the day until I've achieved at least three productive things. I'm pretty sure internet withdrawal isn't fatal, but I'm going to risk it.

Yet Another Year of Marital Bliss

2008-06-19T17:41:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary. We enjoyed a nice, laid-back evening together. He brought me roses, and I gave him some books and baked banana bread for him. I made tacos for dinner. We're both great fans of tacos.

We will go out to celebrate on Friday evening with a fancy schmancy dinner at The Old Warsaw, which supposedly offers "ultimate French continental cuisine." X-treme fine dining! The restaurant is associated with the Maple Manor Hotel next door where we got married and catered our tasty tasty reception dinner.

Last year I posted some of our wedding pictures. This year I'll share some photos from our honeymoon cruise to Alaska.

Here we are, sailing away from Seattle, towards...

Juneau, Alaska

From there we took a tour to the Mendenhall Glacier. It was beautiful to see as much as we could, but disappointing because we didn't get very close at all. I wish we had sprung for a helicopter ride to the glacier for the chance to actually walk around on it. After all, who knows how much longer glaciers will be around?

Then we went to the Mendenhall Gardens, which were odd but beautiful. For some reason, they took a bunch of trees and stuck them in the ground upside down to plant flowers in their roots. During the tour they took us in little trams up to the top of the mountain for some great views of the landscape.

From Juneau, we sailed to Skagway and headed out to the forest to hike a couple miles up the Chilkoot Trail and then raft back down the river. Most of the photos of this leg of the trip are of The Husband and me. I'll ask if he cares if I post a couple. I'm getting bored with this whole anonymity thing.

Anyway, the next day our ship entered Glacier Bay, and this time we really got to experience the glaciers even if we didn't actually get to walk on them. All around the ship we could hear the glaciers moaning and cracking. Occasionally huge chunks would crash into the ocean. Off on one of the rocky mountainsides, we thought we could see a bear, but even looking through binoculars it was a pretty tiny blob. I like to think it was a bear.

After Glacier Bay, our ship stopped at the town of Ketchikan. We didn't do any major activities that day, just wandered in and out of the cute little shops up and down Creek Street.

Our last stop was in Victoria, British Columbia where we visited the incredible Butchart Gardens before attending a wine and chocolate tasting at the Church and State Winery. (I'm pretty sure that the story behind the name of the winery is that they thought it was kind of cute and cheeky and that's all the significance.)

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get back to the Emerald Isle Epic with more photos from Ireland.

To Live Again a Butterfly

2008-06-18T11:25:00.002-05:00

The swallowtails have taken advantage of our dill.

Ireland: Day 3

2008-06-16T12:51:00.001-05:00

On day three we left our B & B in Dingle to visit the Cliffs of Moher. However, between the cliffs and us loomed the Connor Pass, a narrow, winding mountain road. As I was concentrating on not driving into a precipice, The Husband took some photos out the car window so I could enjoy the scenery at my leisure later.

Evidently, it was pretty.

The Cliffs of Moher were very crowded, but quite lovely. However, once again, knowing what I do now, and considering how little time we had, I wish we'd decided to make one of the other trips on our list. We actually saw gorgeous sea cliffs at several other sites - particularly Slieve League and Dunluce Castle - that I thought were just as impressive as the Cliffs of Moher. Of course I took a billion pictures of everything, so you can judge for yourself.

Plenty more blue ocean and green hills to come...

Random Photo Friday: Not in Ireland Edition

2008-06-13T12:42:00.001-05:00

Here are my dad, brother, and me at Lake Texoma in February 1990. My mom's taking the picture.

I am twelve years old, and I am Cool. Yes, with a capital "C". You can tell by the giant Guns N' Roses button I'm wearing on my awesome jean jacket. Seriously, that thing was about 8 inches across. (I thought I might still have it somewhere, but I couldn't find it. I did, however come across a calendar noting that on this very day in 1999 I went to a Poison concert, as well as some candy I brought back from Finland seven years ago.)

Seventh grade was a very rough year for me. My dad had graduated from vet school, and my family moved from Bryan to Denton, TX. For some reason the Denton school district wouldn't admit me to the honors classes despite my high test scores. The combination of puberty, finding my social footing in a new school, and soul-destroying boredom in class was volatile.

My grades plummeted, mostly on purpose. I thought seeming dumb would make me more popular among my new found friends. Also, I started sneaking out at night, stealing cigarettes, and getting drunk. To tell the truth, most of my friends were much better behaved than I was. Being the Bad One for a change was fun.

I'm sure I seemed like a really screwed up kid, but I was just wearing this personality like a costume. My parents reacted to my new obnoxious self in the best way possible. I got grounded a few times and received some very uncomfortable lectures, but I really felt like they gave me enough room to work through this weirdness until I was ready to be myself again. If they had sent me away to a camp for irritating preteens who don't act right or something like that, it probably just would have reinforced my experiment in delinquency.

Even though I was trying my best to be a jerk, we still got along pretty well and enjoyed family outings. In the same photo album as this photo were pictures of another camping trip, a family Easter egg hunt, and a vacation to Galveston. I actually remember happily participating in all these activities, so I guess I wasn't trying hard enough.

Ireland: Day 2

2008-06-12T20:31:00.000-05:00

Day two in Ireland finds us in Cashel in Tipperary Co. After breakfast we walked to the Rock of Cashel, a complex of ancient buildings on a plateau over Cashel with absolutely breathtaking views of the green and misty countryside.

I wish I could have spent a whole day just rambling around the hills and fields, but we were trying to cram a lot into our time in Ireland, so we moved on to Blarney Castle to kiss the Blarney stone and leave Ireland with the gift of gab.

Knowing what I do now, I would probably wouldn't have made the trip to Blarney Castle so we could spend more time on the Dingle Peninsula or visit Connemara, which we ended up skipping completely. The castle itself wasn't particularly impressive, and it wasn't located anywhere especially beautiful. It's one of those things that you just have to do when you're a tourist in Ireland, but it's not high on the list of my favorite sights.

Actually kissing the Blarney stone was different than I imagined. You have to climb up a steep spiral stairway in a very narrow tower. It was almost enough to give me an attack of claustrophobia. We were there before the peak of the summer season, so we got to go straight up to the top of the castle without waiting in line. One of my friends casually remarked that people probably have to wait in line for ages on that narrow winding staircase during the summer. Just the thought of being trapped in that tower crammed in with hundreds of people above and behind me still made me hyperventilate days later.

Once you get to the stone kissing area, you have to lie down on your back and hang over the edge backwards and head-down until the attendant tells you to kiss whatever rock happens to be in front of your face. It was very awkward, but kind of thrilling, too. As you can see in the picture, I'm so short that my butt was actually over the edge so I would be able to reach down far enough to reach the stone.

After we were done getting our eloquence on we headed into Cork in search of a Tex-Mex restaurant. As I've mentioned, I am on a quest to eat Tex-Mex food in every part of the world. We found an advertisement for a place called Cafe Mexicana and only with the help of our trusty GPS were we able to track it down. It was actually in an alley off the main street, so we ended up walking around downtown Cork holding the GPS out in front of us as we executed a series of shrinking zig zags getting warmer, cooler, warmer, cooler, warmer, hot, red hot, there it is!

We started off with margaritas, which may have been The Husband's favorite thing about the whole trip if he is to be believed. However, they tasted a little weird to me. Traivor was watching the bartender over my shoulder, and he made the margaritas with Sprite. Sprite infused margaritas might not be too bad actually, but it seemed like every lemon-lime soda type beverage we tried tasted like artificial sweetener. Are those sodas made with saccharine or aspartame or something like that in Europe? Google would neither confirm or deny it.

Anyway, I ordered guacamole and refried bean tacos with a side of rice. It was all very tasty and pretty much what I would expect here at home. The Husband got beef burritos, which sounded kind of weird because the filling was sort of like roast beef, but he seemed to like them. The meals came with red and green salsa. The red was really bland, which I expected, but the green had quite a jalapeño-ey kick to it. I actually feel a little disappointed that I don't have a bizarre Irish Tex-Mex experience to report, but at least I enjoyed my lunch. Sealegs and Traivor also had some Tex-Mex in Dublin, I believe. Would either of you care to compare and contrast?

I know the photos suck, but they don't suck as much as the fact that I don't have photos of our next little encounter. Once we left Cork, we headed toward our next B & B in Dingle. (Heh heh. Dingle. How appropriate.) While driving through some small town we stopped in a short line of traffic at an intersection. Walking down the sidewalk towards us was a group of four or five sports fan type guys acting enthusiastic or maybe drunk.

When they spotted the car in front of us, they started jumping up and down, making gestures, and generally hooting and hollering. They were rocking the car and making faces at the driver when one of the guys whips his pants down. His meat and two veg were just flopping all over the place as he simulated sexual congress with this car. Before I could shut my mouth, which was gaping in horror, it was all over. I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've seen male genitalia in the full light of day.

Ireland: Day 1

2008-06-11T18:44:00.003-05:00

So, it's been about a month since I got back from vacation with The Husband and three of our unruly friends, and I'm finally getting my act together to sum up my thoughts and post some photos.

As soon as we landed in Dublin we jumped into our rental cars and started careening across the countryside looking at the lovely sites. We were fully expecting to drive manual transmissions, but the rental agency randomly blessed us with automatics. Driving was more difficult than I expected with driving on the left on tiny narrow roads and roundabout after roundabout, so not having to figure out shifting with my left hand at the same time probably saved my life. Not that I didn't do my best to sacrifice it to a giant truck the first time I tried to make a right turn across traffic, but that was terrifying, and we shall never speak of it again.

Despite the complexities of traffic and navigation, we made it to Powerscourt, a gorgeous estate and gardens (featuring a pet cemetery of all things).

Next, we headed to Glendalough, a ruined monastic settlement founded by St. Kevin in the 6th century. Eventually we made our way to a bed and breakfast in Cashel for the night.

Still to come: Day 2 featured a couple of castles, some of the most beautiful countryside I've ever seen, tacos and margaritas, and some rather floppy full frontal (no photos of that - sorry).

Adventures in Babysitting

2008-06-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

I did manage to get an actual job at an actual address last week for three long days. However, they were super fun days, so I hope the annoying little issues of working for an agency are ironed out because I really enjoy this job.

When I worked for this same agency in college for five years (Shut up. I got two degrees.) I sat for hundreds of families, and only ever had one really disastrous experience. Most parents are nice, and most kids are nice, so I could never turn this blog into The Nanny Diaries. However, people are infinitely weird and interesting, and kids are particularly quirky people, so they are occasionally blogable.

Last week I spent more than 30 hours over the course of three days with a five year old I'll call Freckles. The most notable aspect of this assignment was that there were three humongous dogs cooped up with Freckles and me in a two bedroom apartment, including one very large puppy, maybe 30 or 40 pounds, which just loved humping one of the other dog's heads. Then, at one point, it chewed a hole in Freckle's comforter and pulled out a bunch of the stuffing.

It might have been a slim Rottweiler or a stocky Doberman. I asked Freckles what kind of puppy he had, and he told me, "A Chihuahua."

"Are you sure?" I asked him. "I really think Chihuahuas are way smaller than that."

"Yeah," he said, completely deadpan. "She's a Chihuahua."

I still have no idea if he was messing with me or not.

Freckles also told me a joke:

Q: What's sticky?

A: A chicken with goo.

Ha ha ha ha! Right?

Dad of Freckles was quite the character himself. Instead of coming home after work on Friday, he requested that I meet him at a cigar bar to drop Freckles off, which was weird enough. But, once Freckles and I got close to the place, he got really excited because he thought we were going to the cigar bar where they gave him bubble gum. Then he started to doubt himself because maybe it was the other cigar bar that had the bubble gum. Evidently this kid spends a lot of time in cigar bars. Like I said, people are weird.

Random Photo Friday: Bonus Edition

2008-06-06T21:28:00.000-05:00

My complex system of random photo choosing identified this picture as my subject for this week.

However this is a picture taken during my trip with The Husband to Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge in October 2005, which has already been sufficiently documented in this Random Photo Friday post. So, I decided to spin the wheel again in hope of providing a new photo inspired reminiscence for you, my reader.

The next photo I chose was a self-portrait memorializing a really good haircut I got sometime in the fall of 2005. I looked absolutely adorable, but not very anonymous. Thinking that a big blurry blob obscuring pretty much the entire photograph wouldn't hold much visual interest, I decided to try again.

Finally, after tossing out a couple more photo selections that had already been posted, I switched up my picture picking strategy and came up with this to share with you, my reader. Although, if you are my reader, you were probably there when it was taken. But, you were having a good time, so that's OK.

(Everyone's face is pretty blurry or obscured here, but if any of y'all object to literally ones of people spotting you on the internet, let me know.)

This was a spur of the moment gathering on April Fool's Day, 2006, on a perfect warm evening. We never even went inside after settling in on the back porch. I don't remember what we talked about, but we were out there for hours, laughing and drinking wine. All the pictures of this night are fuzzy and softly lit (just like my memories of the event). Everyone looks beautiful and happy, and every time I look at this set of photos I feel really lucky to have such friends in my life.

Pretty

2008-06-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

I ditched my friends and their invitation to pub trivia on Sunday to "work in my yard." Except it was true! Look.

We planted Salvia:

Some mystery plant that didn't have a tag on it and we forgot what it was by the time we got it home:

White Mealy Sage:

Verbena (which looked pretty much D-E-A-D with a capital D a few hours later. I watered it, so we'll see.)

Plumbago:

We planted some other things, too, but they don't have flowers yet. Pictures of leaves are pretty boring, so I didn't bother. A couple of things we planted earlier are looking lovely, however.

Lantana:

Bee Balm:

Other Lantana:

Poppies: (Just for decoration. No heroin manufacturing going on here. No, siree!)

And, Cosmos:

Still to come: photos of Ireland and the vegetable garden that ate Dallas.

Working

2008-06-02T14:12:00.001-05:00

Or trying to, at least.

My tenure with the child care agency has turned into a cavalcade of errors. It started off well enough with a week long assignment at a fitness center's drop-in day care. The week after that I was going on vacation, so I didn't send in my schedule. I knew I had to notify them each week when I could work, but it didn't occur to me that I needed to alert them when I couldn't work. I got a really annoyed phone call from the agency about not contacting them by the deadline, and I apologized my butt off.

When I got back from vacation, I emailed them with my availability for the week. I got worried when I didn't hear back and double checked that I sent them the email. Evidently I attempted to email the agency, but I typed the address wrong and had missed the deadline for the week by the time I re-emailed them, leading to another embarrassed apology.

The next week, I successfully submitted my schedule, but when they called to give me an assignment I forgot to check my voicemail all day. After a series of increasingly irritated messages from the agency, I finally called them back to discover they had given away my job and - of course - to apologize.

Last week my phone rings and (Yay!) it's the agency calling, so I pick up to eagerly accept my assignment. Except that I hear, "Hello, Responsible Badger?"

"No, this is Unruly Duckling," I say.

"Oh. Sorry, Duckling. I dialed the wrong number. Have a great week!"

Right, another great week of being a housebound, unemployed loser!

A few days later the agency calls again and correctly identifies me by name when I answer, so now I'm really excited. They have an order for me from Jane Doe. "What is Jane Doe's address?" I want to know. The agency is confused because they thought I'd been there before, but, no, I've never met Jane Doe or her offspring. It turns out the order was for a different Duckling. Never mind!

Today, wonder of wonders!, I receive a detailed message from the agency about a job for three days this week. I call back to confirm the information, and the agency expresses concern that the home phone the client gave them was disconnected. However, they received the request by email, and they were able to leave a message on the cell phone the client provided, so no big deal, right?

Well, I used to live on the same street as the client, and I'm pretty sure there are only apartments all along that road. Lo and behold! Googling the address confirms it's an apartment complex, but there wasn't any apartment number on the address for the order. I left a voice mail for the agency letting them know I need a better address, but I haven't heard back yet.

Maybe it's time to look for another gig.

(Cue whining and procrastination)

Random Photo Friday: Christmas 1986 Edition

2008-05-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

I'm so glad someone invented digital cameras. If I took a picture like this nowadays, I'd delete it and try again. I did fix it up a little bit using modern digital technology, so there's that.

Anyway, my family has a long and faithful tradition of photographically documenting our Christmas trees each year. This one isn't too goofy, but get a load of the extra awesome faux fiber optic tree topper there. And is that wall decor fashionable for the mid-eighties, or is it a hold over from the seventies my parents were still enjoying?

I was nine years old and in fourth grade in 1986. This was the last year for quite a while I was remotely cute or cool since I hit puberty the next year way before any of my friends did. And not in a good "early bloomer with big boobs" way. Puberty mostly just stunted my growth and gave me a bad complexion and chubby thighs.

Christmas of 1986, however, I was still a cute little girl in a red velvet dress.

Unruly Duckling: Where is She Now?

2008-05-29T15:33:00.001-05:00

Wow. It's been about two months since I last posted. It seems like longer, actually.

I was busy having a teeny, weeny nervous breakdown and quitting my job. The good news is that I have found my true calling as a semi-housebound agoraphobe with a burgeoning fixation on clean base boards, as well as a penchant for hyperbole. (evidently)

When I quit my job, I was afraid that I would regret it and that I was just blaming my job for my unhappiness when I really had more serious issues I wasn't addressing. However, I feel 99% better since quitting, so I think it was the right decision. Objectively, there wasn't anything so horrible about that job that should have made me utterly miserable, and I wish I could figure it out, but I'm tired of thinking about it. So: moving on...

I am "working" for a child care agency providing babysitting and temporary day care staffing. I say "working" because they haven't had an assignment for me in almost 3 weeks. That's a little bit my fault because I discovered the hard way that the agency appreciates it when you actually return their call when they want to offer you work. Since I lost one assignment for not calling them back for five hours, I've been obsessively checking my voicemail to no avail.

However, I really did enjoy the one week they had me working at the day care of a fitness center. Did you know that 40% of children are now named "Colin"? (not based on a scientific sample)

In other news, I took a really awesome trip to Ireland with The Husband and 3 of our friends. I'll post some pictures pretty soon. Also, our vegetable garden is going coo-coo bananas. Do any of you want some home-grown green beans or some Swiss chard? I can totally hook you up. The tomatoes, however, will be all mine (and The Husband's).

Looking forward, I may take another stab at this whole gainful employment thing. I'm also taking some tiny little baby steps towards being a foster parent. The Husband thinks maybe we could get some of those polygamous sect kids to teach me how to sew and can vegetables and stuff. In the long term, I'm becoming more enamored with the idea of getting my Masters degree in Counseling. However, I missed the deadline for this fall semester, so I have many months to get distracted from that whole project.

By the way, I signed up for that Twitter thing that all the cool kids are talking about. I'm not sure I really get it, but feel free to Twit at me.

Damn Skippy

2008-03-20T21:41:00.001-05:00

I'm surprised I scored so well, considering I'm kind of drunk.

100%ALCOHOLIC

Update

2008-03-07T13:26:00.001-06:00

Everything is stupid and boring. That is all.

Random Photo Friday: Small Rodent Edition

2008-02-01T21:25:00.000-06:00

Random Photo Friday is becoming more of an occasional series than a weekly one, but it's still fun when I remember it.

Anyway, this, quite simply, is a squirrel.*

Here is a closer look at that squirrel.

Cute, huh?

I took this photo during a trip to Ohio to see the bay-bee. (Hey, all the photos on the post are gone! Darn The Husband must have changed his website around where they were hosted. I'll get right on fixing that.)

This squirrel is special because it's black! Instead of brown! So of course I had to follow it around for half an hour trying to take its picture. Aren't you glad I did?

*I wonder if it is possible to write a grammatically accurate, correctly punctuated sentence with commas between every word?

I'm a Winner!

2008-01-31T20:53:00.000-06:00

Courtesy of Witchypoo, I have received my first blogger award. Behold the True Blue award!

Witchypoo hasn't been blogging very long at her current locale, and I've been reading her at Psychicgeek almost since the beginning. I discovered her by way of a comment at Schmutzie's (also awesome, by the way) and have been reading ever since.

While I'm plugging Canadian bloggers, I would be remiss not to mention Schmutzie's husband, The Palinode. At one point he named me the resident armadillo expert!

Anyway, Witchypoo was my first blog buddy who wasn't also my buddy in real life. And now, she has given me my first blog award.

I am passing the award on to these bloggers who have been my True Blue friends outside of the computer. I only have a blog because I wanted to be part of your ruthless internet gang. Now y'all get to post the award on y'all's blogs and confer it upon those whom you deem worthy.

Greeneagles
Serenity Springs
Fictionfiend
Lunchstealer
Traivor
Matt (or whatever he's calling himself on MySpace these days)
Sealegs Sophie McPhearson
Tiffany and Jeff, whose blog links won't work right now. Stupid MySpace. I doubt they read my blog anyway. Stupid not blog readers. (Feel free to leave a comment and prove me wrong.)

And most of all The Husband because he's legally required to be True Blue.

The Duckling Drinks Pinot Grigio

2008-01-30T13:33:00.001-06:00

Villa Masetti
2006 Pinot Grigio
4 Seasons, $14.00

The initial aroma was very distinctly of dried banana chips. I tasted a slight bit of pineapples, peaches, apples, vanilla and nutmeg. It leaves behind a nice soft feel in the mouth.

I enjoyed the Villa Masetti Pinot Grigio just fine, but unfortunately I think it's a little too much like Welch's white grape juice to be worth the $14 price tag.

Feeling Better

2008-01-29T20:54:00.000-06:00

All y'all are great. I was grossing myself out with all the whinging and the hand-wringing. "Oh, my life isn't perfect, and I'm not ecstatically happy all the damn time. Wah, wah, wah." Everyone who had anything to say was really supportive and understanding and cut me a lot more slack than I've been willing to give myself. The internet can be an ugly place, and I still get a little stomach ache whenever I see a comment from someone I don't know. But, so far I haven't had to deal with any drive-by meanies, just nice people. Yay, nice people!

As always, just articulating what was bothering me has made me feel 100% better. My job is fine, and my life is good, and I'm working on chilling the eff out. As I've said before, I think my well-fed, middle class brain spends too much time looking for problems to worry about. I need to be careful about making any big decisions I can't take back (like quitting my job) while in the throes of a brain spasm.

I used to be a much calmer person, who couldn't be ruffled by the worst crisis. As I get older, I find myself a lot more easily knocked off kilter. In many ways, as life gets easier, I take it harder. Who knows what my problem is. I mean other than an anxiety disorder, but how the hell did I end up with that? Ah, mental health...so fleeting, so boring, so wonderful.

For right now, I'm just going to take a deep breath, try to relax, and work on a new "Duckling Drinks" post.

Problem Solved

2008-01-28T20:43:00.000-06:00

I work at a non-profit, so I'm just going to tell myself I'm doing volunteer work and act all surprised when that paycheck keeps showing up in my bank account. I knew there had to be an easy way out of this mess.

Pro Choice?

2008-01-26T22:46:00.000-06:00

"Choice" is a loaded term in our society.

"Choice" is used to shame and dismiss those who have the misfortune of being poor, uneducated, powerless. It doesn't matter that all the choices available to you are bad. Once you've made your choice, you're expected to shut up and live with it.

"Choice" is an unassailable right if you are well off. What you eat, drive, spend your money on - it's your choice and no one has the right to criticize your choice. You're entitled to your choice.

Surely there are irresponsible choices, selfish choices, stupid choices?

I'm struggling with making the right choice.

Put simply, I don't like working outside the home. I have a good job working for a cause I believe in for a very fair salary. My boss supports me and works with me to be sure that my position is fulfilling to me and allows me to use my strengths for the good of the agency.

Despite all that, I would be more happy staying home and cleaning, gardening, and cooking. The Husband and I live rather frugally and could probably afford for me to either stay home or work part time. We'd have to give up a some luxuries and save less money, but we could make ends meet. The Husband is also very supportive of me, and is encouraging me to do what makes me happiest.

If I were to make my preferred choice, I would quit my job.

I suppose I have every right to make my choice, however, why should it be a valid choice? Why should a perfectly capable person refuse to support herself? Isn't there something to be said for sucking it up and getting over my over-privileged self? By critically analyzing my own choice, might I be, by extension, judging the choices that others might make? Oh, Heaven, forfend!

Can you imagine a single mom making minimum wage or a subsistence farmer in Africa having this internal conflict? How gross are my stupid little problems? How ridiculous is it that I feel as much stress over the validity of my concerns as my actual concerns? How about another glass of wine?

Oh, thank you, I think I will.

TBR Challenge: One Down

2008-01-25T16:39:00.000-06:00

I finished reading Neverwhere: A Novel from my TBR Challenge 2008 list, and it was wonderful. Neil Gaiman invented a fantastical world whose characters are both creepy and beautiful, often at the same time. It has been a long time since I was so sad to come to the end of a story. Gaiman left the plot wide open for a sequel, however, although it's been about ten years since Neverwhere was released, it does not appear a follow up is forthcoming.

The next book I am tackling is The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. So far it's a pretty entertaining read, but the plot is hanging on some pretty unlikely coincidences that the author seems to be glossing over. I'm sticking with it to see if these improbable threads are going to be tied up in the end, but my willing suspension of disbelief is being strained.

It's not on my list, but I also spent a few evenings reading Flipping Houses For Dummies. The verdict: I need more money in the bank before I pursue my dream of becoming a real estate mogul. Maybe I should seriously reconsider the whole quitting my job thing.

Stealing a Meme: Household Tips

2008-01-21T21:29:00.000-06:00

Being in a state of career (and thus, income) flux, my interest in clever, handy, and frugal household hints has grown recently, which coincided nicely with Witchypoo's idea for a household hints meme. Even those of us who do not aspire to be the next Suzie or Sammy Homemaker probably have a few ingenious ideas to make running our lives a little simpler, cheaper, or easier.

I'm offering up three tips of my own, and ask you to chip in as well, either in the comments or on your own blog.

1. If you find your kitchen infested with fruit flies, first get rid of the source - that old banana or an innocent-looking houseplant or a neglected potato in the pantry. Then put a little apple cider vinegar in a jar, put on the lid, and poke holes in it. The flies will be attracted to the vinegar and make their way through the holes. Those that don't drown themselves, won't be able to make their way back out through the holes and will be trapped.

2. To save on water, whether you want to reduce your bills, your demand on natural resources, or both, keep buckets in the bathroom and the kitchen. While you're waiting for the tap water to heat up, run the water into the bucket and use it to water plants.

3. This one was The Husband's genius idea. A nine-inch round cake pan, with a little bit of a lip around the edge, will fit over the top of a six-quart saucepan to create a double boiler. We used this makeshift double boiler to make candy for Christmas presents.

Bonus tip: Make your own candy for easy, inexpensive, homemade gifts. For example, peppermint bark is just melted white chocolate with crushed peppermints and a few drops of peppermint oil mixed in. Spread the mixture into a cookie sheet, let it cool, and then break it into pieces.

Bonus bonus tip: When melting chocolate it is very important not to let even one drop of water get into the chocolate or it will turn into a grainy, sticky mess.

Bonus bonus bonus tip: Check out Home Ec 101 for lots of ideas from people way better at this housekeeping stuff than I am.

Now I'm supposed to tag some people.

Greeneagles, because I suspect he's a closet metrosexual and probably has a really good tip for getting Bearnaise sauce stains out of silk or something like that.

Holly because she's managed to keep a child in one piece for more than eleven years running.

Traivor because I bet he's a whiz in the kitchen.

Sealegs Sophie McPhearson (whose blog is evidently set on private) because her house always seems to be clean despite her four furry roommates.

Take This Job And, Etc.

2008-01-21T13:21:00.000-06:00

I kind of tried to quit my job, but it didn't quite work.

Over the Christmas holidays, with plenty of time to objectively reflect on my circumstances, I realized I don't like managing a staff. No matter how much I hone my time management skills or how well I handle the stress of constantly putting out fires, I just don't like it.

It's really too bad because I love where I work. The benefits are good, my coworkers are friendly, and I believe in our cause. But I've struggled for more than a year to convince myself that I like my job more than I do.

Life is too short to be unhappy, and whatnot, so I sucked up my courage and explained to my boss that I was disappointed, but I needed to start looking for another position. I let her know I wasn't in a hurry to leave, and I didn't want to leave them in a lurch, but I needed a job that was a better fit for me.

She was really understanding, and didn't seem surprised. In fact she told me she appreciated that I was being upfront with her. But, here's the kicker. She was already working on a proposal to split my job into a staff management position and a program administration position, which would focus on reporting, grant contract compliance, budgeting, and all that boring stuff I much prefer. She planned to offer that job to me and should know if it is approved by the end of January.

Basically, she was going to let me quit doing all the stuff I hate and only do the stuff I like and still keep my job. Awesome! That couldn't possibly have worked out better. Of course, now I have to suck it up for at least another month, assuming that the proposal is approved and they hire another person relatively quickly. I'll actually be surprised if I see any changes before March or even April.

In the meantime, my boss is taking it really easy on me. We're already short two staff members, and if I leave now, it will really suck for her. I know this place has a tendency to take forever to make decisions or implement changes, so I may lose patience before they offer me a new position, but I want to stay at least until they fill the empty spots. I'm not so miserable that I could stand the thought of our programs and clients suffering. Not that I'm so special that success depends on my mere presence, but it would be hard to run our department being three people short.

Deep down I really want to work part time, and spend more time around the house gardening and cooking and wholesome, homely stuff like that. But, I feel like I have a "duty" to maximize my financial resources. I'm not sure if that's coming from my feminist, individualistic ideals or my anxiety that allows me to imagine all improbable manner of potential disasters, but that's probably a whole other post.

I Challenge You

2008-01-14T11:16:00.000-06:00

Just try to watch this video and not laugh.

Babies are weird.

Found at At Your Cervix.

Disappointed

2008-01-13T12:35:00.000-06:00

I don't have any friends from work. I'm in a weird position in that almost everyone I work with is either my subordinate or my boss, and socializing outside of the office is potentially fraught with drama and political ramifications.

However, there is one woman who is my peer and totally outside my department. She's really interesting and funny, and I was thinking about inviting her out with my other friends. That is until she told me she refused to watch The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because it might give her "Christless" thoughts. Sigh.

Chimpanzees: Childhood Sure Would Be Boring Without Them

2008-01-07T13:34:00.001-06:00

My charming, intelligent, and adorable little nephew came to stay with us for the past several days. Oh, and his mom and grandma came, too.

My favorite activity was the zoo on Saturday. However, I was sorely disappointed with the children's zoo. When I was a kid, there was a petting zoo where children and barnyard animals mingled in a salmonella charged free for all. So what if we occasionally got knocked over by a goat or bitten by a duck or infected by feces-borne bacteria? It was fun, and we liked it!

Now all the animals are kept behind fences with large signs that they bite - except for a rabbit in a bucket. The children have to stand in a single file line to patiently wait for their turn to pet (with two fingers only!) a rabbit in a bucket under the watchful eye of a cranky, bored zoo keeper who probably didn't work very hard on her zookeeping Ph.D. in order to be in charge of a rabbit in a bucket. So sad and lame!

This fish tank was cool, however.

I'm not sure which I find more hilarious: this meerkat...

...or this rock hyrax.

(I wonder if it answers questions.)

Quite a few funny-looking birds reside at the zoo.

As well as bored, exotically-horned ungulates.

And then, a fricken chimpanzee flung fricken rocks and who-knows-I-sure-don't-want-to else at us.

It rather traumatized the charming, intelligent, and adorable little nephew. As I was showing him the photos I took, he would shout, "Wock, wock!" whenever he saw the chimps. And I would have to say, "Yes, sweetie, but don't worry. They'll be extinct soon." And then we would both smile with quiet satisfaction.

Homeownership: Yay!

2008-01-07T13:14:00.000-06:00

Oh wait. Did I say, "Yay!" I meant, "Holy crap."

A few weeks ago the shower in the master bathroom started draining so slowly that I was afraid it would overflow during a normal length shower. Figuring there was a clump of hair stuck in the pipe, The Husband and I headed over to the local home improvement big box store and acquired some drain cleaner and a hand crank snake thingy.

A big dose of caustic chemicals did not clear the clog, so I stuck the snake thingy down the drain to no avail. The Husband also applied the snake thingy in such a manly fashion that it became firmly lodged in the still-clogged pipe.

So, out comes the plumber to remove the snake thingy and climb up on the roof to thoroughly clean the pipes. He pulled out a bunch of roots and proclaimed the job complete. And, he seemed to be correct for at least a few days. However, the shower started backing up again and was ever so awesomely joined by the toilet.

Once again the plumber calls on our humble abode. He proceeds to install a street level access pipe, so he can poke a little camera down into our plumbing to see what the issue is without stomping around on the roof. It turns out that the contractor who redid the bathroom sometime before we bought the house crammed a bunch of tiles into the pipes.

How? Why? The mystery boggles the mind. Surely it would have been about 1000 times easier to throw this rejected tile into a trash can than to wedge it into the pipes. I can only speculate what the previous homeowners did to this contractor to cause him to wreak such weird revenge on their innocent plumbing.

Where Do I Send My Resumé?

2008-01-04T16:15:00.000-06:00

I'm glad that no one was terribly offended by the Amazon links. I can't imagine they are going to be particularly profitable, but it seemed like an effortless way to maybe make a ~~buck~~ penny or two if I'm going to be writing about and linking to books and stuff anyway.

After I signed up, they sent me an email saying they were going to review my site and let me know if I was accepted. Does this mean that there's a job out there that involves sitting around looking at blogs and websites all day? Why isn't this my job? How can I make it my job?

My own job continues to be the source of much angst, and it's only going to get worse on Monday. Someone's getting voted off the island, and I kind of wish it were me.

Selling Out

2008-01-02T13:37:00.000-06:00

I'm trying out the Amazon Associates Program. If you purchase an item by clicking on a link or using the search box over there to the right below the BlogRoll, I'll get a small cut.

If you like it, great. If you want to ignore it, that's fine, too. If you really hate it, let me know.

Live Blogging New Years Eve

2008-01-01T04:43:00.000-06:00

9 p.m. BAC .00%. Veggie T arrives with a bottle of Captain Morgan rum. We enjoy some nice rummy Silk Soy Nogs.

9:35 p.m. BAC .00%. Traivor and Greeneagles arrive. Receive a text from Holly and family that they won't be back in town until tomorrow. I start on the Hoegaarden with lemons.

9:55 p.m. BAC .03% Sophie Sealegs arrives with spazzy Raz. She is bearing a nice Cab and some champagne.

10:22 p.m. BAC .05%. Playing trivia is proposed. The literary and non-literary types argue about whether to play the Book Lover's version of Trivial Pursuit. Begin 2nd Hoegaarden.

11:13 p.m. BAC .06%. The inevitable reminiscing about drunken exploits begins. Courtesy of the internet, we can illustrate our stories with photographs and video. I regret I missed the Festivus celebration this year.

12:09 a.m. BAC .09%. Happy New Year! I poured everyone a California Chardonnay "Champagne." Nice.

12:23 a.m. BAC .10% We fail as drunken louts. We are too lazy to get the dog naked, let alone ourselves. Sophie Sealegs is double fisting the champagne, to her credit. Greeneagles removes one of three shirts. "More to come, " he says. Traivor blows a .11%. Greeneagles produces a .03%. He has a metabolism like a fucker. Also, he's had 5 plates of food since he got here. Sealegs brings a .08% to the table. Her goal is to drink at least one bottle of champagne. Also, she brought her pajamas, so DUIs won't be an issue.

12:51 a.m. BAC .11% The smoking begins. I engage in double entendre about Traivor's "equipment." Veggie T manages a .05%, but he intends to drive home, so that's a good thing. I try the Barenjager. My verdict: "It tastes like a museum smells."

1:32 a.m. BAC I don't remember. I got distracted. I think we did some trivia.

2:22 a.m. BAC .10%. I need to try harder! I had another cigarette and finished up my Barenjager. We spent some time criticizing our friends' relationships and discussed setting up my vintage Atari. Greeneagles blew a .04%. Like I said: metabolism like a fucker. Traivor managed a .16%. Sealegs is still at a .o8%.

2:50 a.m. BAC .11%. It is literally "on like Donkey Kong." My Atari 2600 from when I was 6 years old is successfully set up. Sealegs continues to add her pajamas over and under her clothes. Veggie T claims that he is blogging this on his "secret fashion blog."

3:05 a.m. BAC .10% *still*. We decide, regarding the Atari, we are "not feeling it." Veggie T is willing to make out with the Strawberry Shortcake game. He discovers the Jungle Hunt cartridge. He "hits that shit." Then we play Ms. Pacman. Somewhere Jeff experiences the ache of loss without really knowing why.

3:26 a.m. BAC .11%. We break out the Super Nintendo to play Super Mario Brothers. Frustrated with my inability to get shit-faced drunk on New Year's, I also break out the tequila shots. Various comments include, "This hurts my tummy," "If I didn't throw up on the floor just now, I'm probably fine for the rest of the night," and "Oh, dear."

3:51 a.m. BAC .12%. Traivor exclaims, "I was looking forward to Bibilatriblia," as Veggie T and Greeneagles leave. He conscripts me into playing Super Mario World literally for the first time in my life. I suck. Big surprise.

4:03 a.m. BAC .11%. Sealegs appears to be asleep, and Traivor is taking Super Mario World way too personally (while hiccuping, may I add). Traivor blows a .17%.

4:31 a.m. BAC whatever-I-don't-care. Sealegs departs. Traivor persists in the Super-Mario-Worlding. The nasty reality that I have to be at work in 28 hours hits me. It takes all my emotional resources not to weep.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Sounds About Right

2007-12-31T16:17:00.000-06:00

Evidence:

I sign up for online book-reading challenges.

At this very minute I'm totally geeking out to The Matrix while The Husband tests out the new woofer he got for Christmas.

The last party I attended involved a protracted discussion of Linnaeus vs. Mendel vs. Mendeleev.

The TBR (To Be Read) Challenge 2008

2007-12-31T15:41:00.002-06:00

I'm joining the TBR Challenge for 2008.

Below is my list of 12 books I had piling up around the house or languishing on my Amazon wish list or lying in wait on my book club's list that I'm committing to read in 2008. They're in no particular order as I can't be arsed to bother organizing them.

~~Neverwhere: A Novel - Neil Gaiman~~

~~A Wizard of Earthsea - Ursula K. LeGuin~~

Pink Ribbons, Inc.: Breast Cancer and the Politics of Philanthropy - Samantha King

~~The Golden Compass~~ ~~- Philip Pullman~~

The Giver - Lois Lowry

Salem Falls - Jodie Piccoult

~~The Historian - Elizabeth Kostova~~

The Missing Class: Portraits of the Near Poor in America - Katherine S. Newman

Gravity's Rainbow - Thomas Pynchon

~~The Last Continent - Terry Pratchett~~

Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

Frankenstein - Mary Shelley

Alternates - The challenge allows you to name up to 12 alternates in case one of the books on the main list doesn't tickle your fancy. In my alternate list are the next two books in the The Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula K. LeGuin and the His Dark Materials Trilogy by Philip Pullman, the first of which are in my main list. I didn't want to commit to the entire trilogies if I decided I didn't care for one of them.

~~The Tombs of Atuan - Ursula K. LeGuin~~

~~The Farthest Shore - Ursula K. LeGuin~~

The Subtle Knife - Philip Pullman

The Amber Spyglass - Philip Pullman

Wish me luck!

Losing the War on Christmas

2007-12-28T22:33:00.000-06:00

First of all, if you would like to know exactly how much awesome The Husband brings to this marriage, please read this entry with special attention to #11. Then take a gander at this photo.

Yes, it is the much coveted blue road reflector. The Husband claims he just happened to run into it while walking down the street, but knowing him, he fashioned it out of rare sapphires that he mined himself or something equally ridiculous. Either way, you win Christmas, The Husband. Also, you rock.

Runner up for coolest present of 2007 is this box of random jewelry he scored off ebay.

I'm curious about the origin of all this jewelry because it's such a hodge podge of cool and cute and out of date and perfectly ugly, it's hard to see how this all came from one person's collection. This is my favorite piece so far.

I plan to wear these to my next monkey-oriented fashion gala.

Yarny Yarnmas and a Yarny Yarn Yarn

2007-12-22T18:50:00.000-06:00

In either a personal best or a personal worst, I have four projects on my needles right now.

This is a shawl I started for myself several months ago. During the summer it is an icebox in my office, and it's impossible to buy a space heater because it is supposed to be warm in Texas in the middle of August. Never mind that the thermostat is turned down to the mid-fifties in every damn building. How much energy could we save if we let the temperature of the air conditioning creep up towards seventy degrees? And I bet we wouldn't lose one person in a tragic indoor heat stroke incident.

Anyway, if commerce couldn't solve my hypothermia problem, I figured I could take matters into my own hands and knit myself something to keep me warm. Of course now that it's winter, my office is perfectly comfortable, so I put this on the back burner for my next project.

I had just enough time to get this baby hat started before the Christmas knitting rush started. A month or so ago, the head of our young mothers' program at work mentioned that it would be nice to get some volunteers to knit blankets for the babies in the program. For some reason, she seemed shocked when I told her I'd be glad to knit some things to donate. I guess I don't seem like the knitting type.

This is my first project on double pointed needles, and it hasn't been too hard so far. With some practice I hope to be able to whip up tiny hats pretty quickly, as well as some blankets, which are super easy. I also have some patterns for knitted finger puppets I could make for the older children in the program. Unfortunately, even though we're dealing with young mothers (mostly under 18) many of them already have toddlers and another baby on the way. Other than that this whole "abstinence only" thing seems to be working pretty well. /snark

Pretty soon, this will be a smaller version of this hat for my nephew. I'm thinking about putting pom-poms on his, however. The yarn is Paton's "Rumor" in "Moonstone Heather." The name of it is stupid, but the yarn is awesome.

Last, but not least, is a scarf for The Husband. It's going to be one of his Christmas presents, but I don't need to worry about spoiling the surprise because I made him describe to me in great detail what the scarf should look like and approve the yarn I bought. Also, I've been working on it in the evening while he's sitting right next to me watching TV.

It seems like an awful lot of trouble to hand make a custom project for someone and not have it be exactly what they wanted. Maybe if I were a better wife I would have an intuitive understanding of The Husband's scarf preferences, but evidently I'm not that wonderful. He is getting a pretty great scarf, however; so that will have to be wonderfulness enough.

Random Photo Friday: Goofy Cousin Edition

2007-12-21T23:41:00.001-06:00

This is my cousin, Rob. Although, back when this picture was taken in August 1992, we called him Robbie. You wouldn't know it from this photo, but evidently he grew up to be quite the hunk of let's-not-go-there-he's-my-cousin.

His mom, my aunt, invited me to go with them on vacation to Florida, where they have a condo. They picked me up here in Texas, and when they left to drive back to Canada, I got to fly all by myself for the first time back to Dallas. My dad picked me up from the airport, and on the way home we happened to pick up a kitten, who turned out to be our weird cat, Buster. He deserves his own post at some future point.

Anyway, we enjoyed snorkeling and seafood and visiting the wildlife park, where my French-Canadian uncle flouted the rules and rolled down the window in the middle of the lion habitat. He nearly got us eaten by lions, and most definitely got us yelled at by a nice park ranger who didn't want to see us get eaten by lions.

He met another Canadian couple on the beach and made polite small talk with them. Once they left he spent several minutes mocking them for the way they said, "Eh?" at the end of every sentence. Evidently the Québécois don't talk all funny like that. Of course I only understand every third word of his "excellent" English.

Oh, but back to Robbie. He mocked me for not knowing French and believing that a salon is a place where you get your hair done instead of a living room. I mocked him for not knowing that a word can have more than one meaning, and also for pronouncing the letter "z" like "zed."

He was kind of bratty, being an only and very much wanted child born into a family with more than enough resources to pile upon a precious son. I suspect a little part of my being invited on that trip was to play the role of big sister and cut him down to size a bit. At one point I refused to swim with him because he was being kind of jerky, and I made him apologize to me, so I think it might have worked.

I haven't seen Rob in years, and I don't know if I could pick him out of a crowd. I guess as he got older he had more of a life in Montreal and didn't have time to be dragged down to Texas to visit family. He has probably been here once or twice in the last 15 years, but for whatever reason, I didn't have time to be dragged two counties over to visit with him. If he comes for Christmas, I'll be sure to take an updated photo to compare.

Thanks to Holly for reminding me about this whole random photo Friday thing.

Double Take

2007-12-21T12:45:00.000-06:00

On my way to work this morning I saw this dude all decked out in cycling gear pedaling his way down the street next to my office building. On a unicycle.

That's cool and neat and whatnot, but you have to be borderline suicidal to be navigating rush hour traffic in Dallas on a unicycle. Seriously.

nap time for the feline

2007-12-20T11:23:00.000-06:00

i am typing this with one hand because the cat is sleeping on the other one. she's dreaming, and her toes and ears are twitching like crazy. she is too adorable to disturb.

i am not at work but instead am trapped under my cat because i am waiting for the plumber to come back and do expensive things to our pipes. although the pipes are located underneath the house, this will involve climbing on the roof. i don't know. it made sense when he explained it to me.

i hope the cat wakes up soon because i need both hands to finish my christmas knitting.

oh no. she just stretched and sighed and is beginning to ooze onto the keyboard. must go. more later.

Jamie Lynn Spears is Pregnant!

2007-12-19T15:23:00.000-06:00

Oh My God! I Don't Care!

Ten Artists

2007-12-17T18:07:00.000-06:00

This game was floating around my little corner of the internet before I embarked on my own blogular adventures. Now's my chance to play, too.

Instructions:

1. Open a music player.
2. Add all your music.
3. Hit shuffle/repeat/randomize.
4. Find photos of the first 10 artists/bands that come up (no repeats and no cheating).
5. Have people guess who the artists/bands are.
6. Paste this in your journal/blog and do it too, so I can have fun guessing as well.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Remember, Envy Is a Deadly Sin

2007-12-14T12:15:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I are the proud owners of two, brand new, bright and shiny tickets to see Ani Difranco at the House of Blues in New Orleans on March 16.

There is some chance that The Husband will be in Tokyo again on business during that time, so I will be taking applications for a fellow awesomeness aficionado to be my back-up partner in awesomeness. Good luck.

What Made Me Cry Tonight

2007-12-13T21:59:00.001-06:00

The last 20 minutes of Kid Nation.

This post on Craigslist.

The people who emailed to thank me for that last post.

What did not make me cry tonight:

My boss telling me that the report I handed in yesterday made her "angrier than she's ever been."

Seriously, boss? You must lead a life refreshingly free from rage and indignation.

Better Living Through Chemistry

2007-12-11T21:26:00.000-06:00

I'm crediting liberal application of red wine for the swift decline in my Lexapro induced high blood pressure. However, my return to normal blood pressure was followed by heart palpitations. According to Dr. Wikipedia, there are two different kinds of palpitations - the kind that feel like your heart is fluttering and the kind that feels like your heart goes "thump!" I was having the thumping kind.

I called the nurse helpline of my insurance company, and I was trying to explain how my heart felt over the phone. I told her "...and then my heart goes 'blump.' I know 'blump' isn't a word, but...", and she said, "No, but I understand exactly what you mean. " And then I kind of fell in love with the nurse helpline.

Anyway, I would be going about my business, and then my heart would go "blump," and I would get a little dizzy and lose my breath. It made me feel kind of weird and giddy, so I didn't mind it so much, but then I would fear for my life, and I didn't like that part very well.

Between the nurse helpline and the cryptic message my doctor's office left me, I decided that I probably wasn't risking imminent heart failure. As long as I didn't black out and fall down, I didn't have much to worry about. Sure enough, the palpitations went away by themselves.

As far as I can tell, the physical symptoms of the withdrawal seem to be over. In the course of a year I've gone from barely functional to medicated to drug withdrawal to feeling OK again. I hear of people who refuse medication because they worry it will turn them into some kind of vapidly grinning zombie or that the withdrawal symptoms won't ever allow them to go off the drugs. I am here to suggest to you that

IF YOU FEEL BAD, YOU SHOULD TAKE THE DRUGS!

In my case, it was the anxiety that turned me into a zombie, and earlier in my life it was the depression. Once I got medicated I could think and concentrate and interact with people like a live human being. Suddenly, I could write and work as if a key in my brain had turned and let the person I remembered being out of a dark basement.

Coming off the medication (which my doctor specifically chose to avoid the worst of the side effects and withdrawal and fortunately worked for me) was weird and uncomfortable, but now, instead of just feeling like a functional human being, I feel like a capable, confident person. To tell the truth, I worry that this must be a side effect. Surely, people don't normally feel this good, this resilient.

I don't think I have for ten years. But I remember what this used to be like. And I'm looking forward to plenty more.

A Considerably Crafty Christmas

2007-12-09T15:45:00.000-06:00

Although I lack the dedication to Pledge Handmade, I am trying to choose as many locally handmade gifts for my family as possible, including a few projects I have on my own knitting needles.

Last weekend a couple of friends, The Husband, and I checked out the Urban Street Bazaar, and I came away with some excellent finds, most of which I actually intend to give away at Christmas. So, if you're related to me quit reading now or you might spoil the surprise.

I was about ready to walk away with Kraftivity Studios' entire inventory, but I managed to select three things, only one of which I plan to keep for myself. This cherry blossom plate is finding a home on my shelf.

This little pot is for my grandmother. I think I'm going to plant an African violet in it before I give it to her.

This sad sack Santa is for my mom's stepmother. She's the type of person who can't answer the question, "How are you doing?" without tossing off a comment like, "Oh, you know. The excruciating pain and paralysis come and go, but I guess I'm fine."

I'm giving this hand painted dishtowel to my mom to add to her chicken collection. It comes from MaggieDell's Designs, which doesn't have a website, but it does have a MySpace page. They'll do custom projects, so just drop them a line if you need a barnyard animal painted on your kitchen linens.

This last plate from Superchica is mine, mine, mine. It nearly leapt off the table into my arms. I don't know exactly why it strikes me like it does, but I keep hugging it because I just love it so much.

I picked up this candle from Shambhala Body Gallery to make our house smell all Christmas-ey.

Finally, the Kitchen Beautician (who also doesn't have a website; come on people, join the 21st century) put together this basket for my girly little diva of a twelve-year-old cousin. I've been keeping all the gifts in the spare room until Christmas, and the whole place smells like roses now.

Random Photo Friday: Hot Tub* Edition

2007-12-07T21:41:00.001-06:00

I love this picture of the hall after our wedding reception is over. My brother is looking all James Bond villain in his tuxedo. Friends who now live in three different states are lingering and laughing.

Meanwhile, The Husband and I are enjoying some marital bliss for the first time in our hotel room's hot tub.

This is supposed to be when the party ends and the real "work" of being married begins. However, after 2 1/2 years I still haven't figured out what's so strenuous about hanging out with The Husband all the time. If I didn't think it was going to be fun, I wouldn't have married the dude, and so far it has been.

I would like to impart some wisdom to newlyweds and horny people everywhere. Engaging in "bliss" in a hot tub is not all it's cracked up to be. I have to recommend against the amphibious "bliss." If you feel the need to know why, you'll have to email me because I'm pretty sure posting explicit material on the internet isn't allowed.

*Not pictured

YWCA drive to aid struggling moms

2007-12-05T12:26:00.000-06:00

From the Dallas Morning News today.

12:00 AM CST on Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Robert Miller bmiller@dallasnews.com

The Young Leaders Board of the YWCA of Metropolitan Dallas is hosting a Holiday Donation Drive through Dec. 17 to help the neediest families served by the YWCA.

You can help by dropping off canned food, baby food and travel-size toiletry items at the YWCA's headquarters, 4144 N. Central Expressway, Suite 580, or the Dallas Black Chamber of Commerce at 2838 Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.

The donated items will be used to fill holiday gift baskets for single mothers.

"When you consider that the YWCA's typical client is a single working mother trying to raise two children on less than $30,000 a year, you see how tight her budget has to be just to cover the bare necessities," said Cherika Latham, president of the young leaders board.

The board is made up of "emerging leaders" from 25 to 40 who are committed to serving as YWCA ambassadors and raising awareness of the YWCA's mission, goals and initiatives.

For more information about the board, e-mail or call Joyce Meyer at jmeyer@ywca dallas.org or 214-584-2312. To learn more about the YWCA, visit www.ywcadallas.org or call 214-826-YWCA (9922).

The Accidental Multitasker

2007-12-04T21:48:00.000-06:00

My boss has asked me to conduct a time study of my work habits for the next couple of weeks, so I'm keeping track of how much time I spend on different tasks and projects. Supposedly the idea is to justify hiring a high-level administrative assistant, so I don't have to do so much paperwork and can concentrate on more managerial responsibilities. Of course, I'm sure she's also using this chance to check up on me. That doesn't worry me, though, because I have no trouble staying very busy.

I've only been doing this for about a day, but I couldn't believe it when I looked at yesterday's list and saw that only twice all day did I spend more than 15 minutes focused on any one thing. The only times I could concentrate for 20 or 30 minutes in a row was when I was having a face-to-face discussion with someone about an issue.

I spend most of my time asking people to do things, and the rest of my time following up to make sure they did them. This probably isn't the best use of any employee's time, but it would be doable if I didn't have my own things to do. I need to hire a new employee, and complete a performance review for another one, and get some invoices paid.

So far, I've always managed to accomplish everything I needed to eventually, but now I'm wondering how. No wonder I'm behind all the time if I'm interrupted every 15 minutes to deal with one issue after another. Maybe I need to designate some "leave me alone" time each day and close my door and turn off the phone. However, I'm the only person with an office but no window, so I'd worry people would think I'm taking a nap or something while I'm ignoring them.

Pleh, maybe I will. I'm not getting anything done as it is. I might as well take advantage.

You Know What Would Be Cool?

2007-12-04T12:49:00.000-06:00

It would be cool if there were some sort of website or application that would rank your potential "compatibility" with other bloggers by comparing the amount of overlap in each other's BlogRolls.

Does this exist, and if not, when do you plan to invent it?

28 Things, More or Less

2007-12-03T13:16:00.000-06:00

I got a little OCD with witchypoo about the fact there is no #2 on this list. I figure if I'm going to be all over-invested in its ordinal consistency, the least I can do is play along.

1. Any nicknames? Not really. I do go by my middle name instead of my first.

3. Favorite drink? Wine, and I'm not too picky about it.

4. Any tattoos? Yep, my astrological symbol on my belly. I went on a road trip with two of my friends in college, and we all got tattoos in Pittsburgh.

5 Body piercing? Just my ears.

6. How much do you love your job? I love working on a cause I believe in, and that makes me happy everyday. On a day to day basis, I love my job completely about 99% of the time. The other 1% of the time I'm crying quietly to myself with my office door closed.

7. Favorite vacation spot? I couldn't pick one spot. I love to travel.

8. Ever been to Africa? No. I hope to have the chance to go and visit my uncle, who is in the foreign service, if he gets reassigned to an African country.

9. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Yes. Sometimes I don't even bake them first.

10. Ever been on TV? Once, answering phones for the local public television pledge drive.

11. Ever steal any traffic signs? No. But I did used to collect those little bumps that divide the lanes on the road. I had small white and yellow ones, white and orange reflective ones, and one of those giant yellow ones that mark a left turn lane. I always coveted the blue reflective ones that mark fire hydrants, but I wasn't irresponsible enough to steal one, and I never found one that had come loose on its own.

12. Ever been in a car accident? One time, but it wasn't my fault.

13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4-door with a hatch back.

14. Favorite pie? If I had to pick just one, I'd say cherry, but my love for pies is broad and deep.

15. Favorite Number? 7 or 17. My birth month is July, and I was born in 1977. The address of the first home we've ever owned begins and ends with seven. The last two jobs I've had hired me on the 17th of the month. Those numbers just keep popping up.

16. Favorite movie? Heathers

17. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving

18. Favorite dessert? I can't narrow it down. My sweet tooth is mighty.

19. Favorite food? Sushi, and most things that come out of the ocean. Honorable mentions go to Tex-Mex and really garlicky Italian food.

20. Favorite day of the week? Saturday. It's the only day I can manage sleeping in and staying up late without having to worry about work.

21. Favorite brand of body wash? Evidently bath products are a popular gift for females, so I have received several metric butt loads of body wash over the years. When one bottle of body wash runs out, I just reach in the cabinet and choose another one at random.

22. Favorite toothpaste? Tom's of Maine, wintermint flavor.

23. Favorite smell? That's a hard question. I love the smell of onions frying, but I wouldn't want my shampoo to smell that way.

24. What do you do to relax? Read blogs and drink wine. Plant things. Take a hot shower. Knit. I really have the whole relaxing thing down.

25. Do you have a message to your friends reading this? The crow flies at midnight.

26. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Kind of the way I am now, only more so.

27. Furthest place you will send this message? Not too far, I'm pretty sure.

28. Who will respond the fastest? I'll be surprised if anyone does, to tell you the truth.

Adult Supervision

2007-12-02T17:13:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to hang out with Jack (a.k.a. The Offspring). Earlier in the week my good sense was overcome by the sheer wonderfulness of the craft store, so I ended up with several wholesome activities to inflict upon The Offspring.

We started with the make your own Super Ball kit.

Let me advise you, if you have kids who are easily disappointed. Do not buy this toy for them. It is absolutely impossible to create balls that look anything like the ones on the package. Fortunately, The Offspring has reasonable expectations when it comes to truth in advertising, and was openly skeptical about the likelihood that our finished products would match those on the box. He was absolutely correct. We did manage to make a few bouceable balls, however.

Then, I tried to sell him on the pirate ship kit, but for some reason "coloring on wood" was a big turn off for The Offspring. I asked him if he had tried coloring on wood before, and he said yes but he wouldn't elaborate. Maybe one of his parental units could let me in on the coloring-on-wood related trauma he has experienced because that's just weird.

I didn't see any reason to expose the kid to the horrors of wood coloring, so we moved on to making sun catchers that look like bugs. We both thought this was pretty fun, and our bugs turned out quite beautifully.

We took a few breaks to play Guitar Hero, watch Futurama, and have a snack. I also managed to accidentally expose the poor child to sadomasochistic sex slavery (thanks a lot, network television) before distracting him with the movie Dodgeball.

Although we were peacefully coloring when The Offspring's folks came home, I have to admit he spent an awful lot of time flinging our homemade super balls at the walls while I made helpful suggestions like, "Let's see what happens if you throw two of them at the same time." But seriously, if I wanted to be all responsible and discipliney I'd have my own kids.

Eat Yer Veggies

2007-12-01T19:36:00.000-06:00

This post at Pandagon inspired me to try to include more fresh produce in my diet. I really don't have any excuse not to, especially considering the challenges so many people face in getting any kind of decent food at all. (Uncharacteristically, I jumped into the fray at the Pandagon post close to the end of the comments. Feel free to go over there and back me up or tell me I'm full of it.)

However, I'm always in need of tasty, uncomplicated vegetable recipes. I hope you'll post your favorites in the comments. In the spirit of reciprocity, I'll share some of mine here.

Garlicky Pasta with Fresh Tomatoes and Basil
(from Cooking Light)

We made this last summer with tomatoes and basil from our back yard garden. It was just heaven.

3 tbsp. extravirgin olive oil
3 garlic cloves, minced
5 cups (about 2 lbs.) chopped plum tomatoes (We just used a hodge podge of tomatoes since we grew a couple different kinds.)
6 cups (about 12 oz. uncooked pasta) hot cooked campanella (or other twisty-ish shape of pasta)
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. fresh ground black pepper

Heat olive oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. Add minced garlic; saute 30 seconds. Add chopped tomatoes; cook for 2 minutes or until thoroughly heated, stirring occasionally. Add pasta, basil, salt, and pepper, tossing gently to combine. Serves 6.

The recipe also calls for 1/4 cup (1 oz.) of grated fresh Parmesan cheese to be added to the tomatoes along with the pasta, basil, salt, and pepper, but I like to cook vegan whenever possible. I certainly didn't miss the cheese.

Sesame Kale

2 cloves garlic, minced
1 pound kale (about bunch)
2 teaspoons sesame seed oil
2 tablespoons water
1 teaspoon soy sauce
2 teaspoons toasted sesame seeds
Salt and pepper if desired

Mince the garlic cloves. Wash the kale and shake it over the sink. It should remain a little wet. Remove and discard the stems from the kale and tear it into bite-size pieces. Save the stems for another use, such as vegetable stock.

Heat the sesame seed oil in the skillet over medium-low heat. Add the minced garlic to the hot oil and saute for about 20 seconds. Add the kale and water to the garlic and oil, and cover the skillet.

After 1 minute, stir the kale, then re-cover. After 1-2 more minutes, when the kale is wilted, stir in the soy sauce and sesame seeds. If desired, add salt and/or pepper to taste.

Makes 6 to 8 servings.

Sweet and Sour Greens

My favorites for this recipe are beet greens or chard. You could also use collard greens, mustard greens, spinach, or kale. Just be sure to adjust your cooking time depending on how tough your greens are and how tender you prefer them.

1 pound greens
1 tbsp olive oil
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 large garlic clove, minced
3/4 cup of water
1 tbsp granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
2 tbsp cider vinegar

Wash the greens in a sink filled with cold water. Drain greens and wash a second time. Drain greens and remove any heavy stems. Tear leaves into bite-sized pieces. Set aside.

In a 3 qt saucepan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onions, cook 5 to 7 minutes, stirring occasionally, until onions soften and start to brown. Stir in garlic.

Add water to the hot pan, stirring to loosen any particles from bottom of pan. Stir in sugar and red pepper. Continue cooking until mixture boils.

Add greens, reduce heat. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes or more depending on desired tenderness of greens. Stir in vinegar. Serves 2-4 depending on how much you like greens.

(Adapted from Simply Recipes)

Of course a major reason why so many people don't include fresh produce in their meals is lack of access. Poor urban neighborhoods may not have any grocery stores selling produce, so people have to find transportation to shop for fruits and vegetables. Fresh produce is too expensive for tight budgets to bear. Also, some people don't have the capacity to store perishable items.

Often, I'm just too lazy to plan for meals, so I've come up with a few recipes that require few or no perishable items, but still feature plenty of vegetables.

(The following recipes are a little sketchier than the ones above because I mostly made them up as I went along. I'll try to include all the relevant details, but just let me know if I left out anything vital.)

Tomato Florentine Soup

1 tbsp olive oil
1/2 yellow onion, chopped
1 large carrot, sliced
3 cloves garlic, chopped
4 cups vegetable broth (I usually use a powdered mix)
2 can diced tomatoes, undrained (I use salt free)
10 oz. package of frozen spinach, thawed
1 can white beans, drained and rinsed
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp marjoram

Heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onion and carrot, and saute until soft. Add garlic, and stir for 30 seconds.

Add broth, tomatoes, spinach, beans, and spices. Simmer 15 minutes. Salt to taste.

Lemony Spinach and Brown Rice

2 tsp olive oil
1 clove garlic, minced
1 cup cooked brown rice (I use instant, prepared according to directions on package)
10 oz. package of frozen spinach, cooked according to directions on package
3/4 tsp lemon pepper
1/2 tsp dill
1 can mushrooms, drained

Saute the garlic over medium heat in the olive oil for 30-60 seconds. Then mix all the other ingredients together. Stir for a few minutes until everything is well mixed and heated through.

Super Easy Vegetable Soup

Open a bunch of canned vegetables. Pour them in a pot. Heat them up. Add some salt and pepper.

My usual mixture includes

(don't drain the following)
2 cans chopped tomatoes
1 can French cut green beans
1 can carrots
1 can mushrooms
1 can corn (maybe)

1 can white beans, drained and rinsed
A handful of whole wheat macaroni
1 tbsp vegetable broth powder

As much water as necessary to create the desired degree of soupiness.

Season with dill, dried basil, black pepper, garlic salt. Add a shot of lemon juice if you have it.

If you try any of these recipes, I hope you'll let me know how they turn out. Also, please share your favorite veggie recipes.

Random Photo Friday: Oh, Yeah, I Almost Forgot About Doing This Edition

2007-11-30T19:30:00.000-06:00

Today's selection requires no explanation.

It's a cat! Wearing a bandanna!

I'm totally sending this to Stuff On My Cat.

Drugs Are Bad, mmKay?

2007-11-28T20:02:00.000-06:00

I had my doctor appointment today to make I sure I didn't break my brain. She confirmed that the Lexapro withdrawal probably is making me a little bonkers, and although I really shouldn't have quit taking it all of a sudden, the damage won't be permanent. Unfortunately, another side effect I didn't anticipate is that my blood pressure is now really high. It's not like, internal-organ-blow-out high, but it probably explains the headache and dizziness.

And, get a load of this! Walgreens called me today to tell me my refill is ready - my refill of Lexapro they told me they didn't have, which started this whole pharmaceutical fiasco. Walgreens can suck my butt.

Best Withdrawal EVAR

2007-11-27T21:58:00.000-06:00

I somewhat involuntarily took myself off the Lexapro, and let me tell you, it is going GREAT.

The night before Thanksgiving my prescription ran out. My pharmacy was closed until Friday, but I knew going without the crazy pills for couple of days wouldn't be a big deal. However, when I called for my refill, I discovered that my doctor's office never called it in. At first I freaked out and started making frantic phone calls. But, I already had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, so I figured I'd just see how it turned out.

Whatever havoc I've accidentally wreaked on my brain chemistry has resulted in relentless optimism and excessive enthusiasm for just about everything. Yay, everything!

At first it seemed I had achieved a surprising level of mental stability and emotional maturity. For example, see my very reasonable post about my employment issues. Then I thought I was just feeling cheerful.

But now I'm having trouble falling asleep because I'm just having so much fun! lying there, thinking about stuff. My mother-in-law brought over some persimmons, which I had never tried before. When I tasted one, it was so excellent that I exclaimed out loud, all alone in my kitchen, "Persimmons! Fuck yeah!" This evening I noticed that it was 6:30, so I pumped my fists in exultation that it was 6:30! All right, 6:30! I don't know why.

I sort of feel like I just got off a roller coaster - sort of giddy and wobbly with a funny feeling in my stomach. I can only imagine I'm veering into some sort of drug withdrawal induced mania. It's really fun, but I'm glad I have a doctor appointment before I start skipping around the neighborhood naked, tossing flowers at everyone. Except they're not really flowers. They're like, rubber bands or something. You know, because I'm ker-RAY-zee.

Crisis Averted

2007-11-26T19:43:00.000-06:00

In a cleansing burst of sanity, I've come to terms with my career crisis from last week.

What happened was my boss was mean to me. I drove home crying about how mean she was. As soon as I got home I started looking for another job so when I forced a confrontation with my boss about how mean she is and she fired me I would have a back up plan.

However, upon thinking calmly about the whole stupid situation, I realized that there are several components involved in her meanness.

1. She's mean. I've always known this about her. Sometimes she's kind of teasing, funny mean, but sometimes she's just mean.

2. She's obviously been really stressed out about something. It's probably work related, but it doesn't have enough to do with me that I know what it is. In summary, it's not my problem.

3. Maybe, at least sometimes, she doesn't like me. That may sound insecure, but sometimes I don't much like her, so I'm sure it's possible.

There is nothing I can do about any of these things, so there is no point in getting all freaked about it. I can get past the meanness and take the points she was trying to make that can help me do a better job.

I enjoy my job. I feel good about what I'm accomplishing, and I like most of the people I work with most of the time. If I look at the situation from Traivor's wise perspective that "Working sucks. That's why they have to pay you to do it." my job is really not that bad.

A White Thanksgiving

2007-11-25T18:04:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was especially excellent this year since I got to share it with 14 members of my family - the biggest crowd we've had in years. We were just missing a couple of cousins and uncles who are currently spread across three continents. By Christmas, however, they may all be back in Texas, at least for the holidays. I can't wait.

As remarkable as the family fellowship this year was the weather. It snowed all afternoon.

The day after Thanksgiving my parents and I have a tradition that we cook our own dinner with all our favorite dishes so we can keep all the leftovers for ourselves. One of the downsides of having such a large family is that the leftovers are spread thin even after a huge dinner.

We had (clockwise from the top) squash casserole, crescent rolls, corn casserole, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, Quorn brand turkey substitute, dressing, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, sauteed green beans, wasabi deviled eggs, with mushroom gravy all over everything.

Not pictured is green bean casserole with cream of mushroom soup and french-fried onions because that's just gross. My dad likes it, though. Also not pictured because I forgot is my mom's fruit salad, which is particularly delicious since it's made with peach pie filling. For dessert we made pumpkin pie and cherry pie and homemade whipped cream. We also enjoyed a nice Sauvignon Blanc and then had to drink a pot of coffee to revive ourselves.

Pretty much every Thanksgiving is like this, and I look forward to it all year. I like Thanksgiving way better than Christmas. It offers all the same opportunities to eat too much and hang out with family and take time off work without all the shopping - a truly ideal holiday.

Yes. Yes I Did.

2007-11-25T12:45:00.001-06:00

On chilly weekend mornings I spend a little while fantasizing about the elaborate delicious breakfast I plan to have in order to motivate myself to get out of bed. Yesterday, I dreamed up French toast made with egg nog instead of milk and topped with cherry pie filling, powdered sugar, and whipped cream. The egg nog didn't add a lot of extra flavor, but it was a wonderfully fattening way to start the day.

This morning, my idea was an omelet seasoned with dill and stuffed with salmon, capers, and heavy cream. Of course, I'm really lazy, so instead of getting up and cooking myself breakfast, I was lolling around in bed, petting the cat, when The Husband shows up with the omelet! Dizzy and I enjoyed an exceptional, custom-made breakfast in bed. Did I win the marriage lottery or what?

House guest

2007-11-22T09:32:00.000-06:00

This is my dog-in-law, Xena: Dogular Princess.

Or maybe Xena: Warrior Dogcess. I don't know. I didn't name her.

Anyway, this goofy girl is staying with us for the Thanksgiving holiday while my pop-in-law and his attractive and sophisticated wife head out of town. She's sweet and all, but she certainly hasn't affected my extreme prejudice in favor of animals of the cat persuasion.

She keeps sticking her head in my crotch and breathing on me with her hot dog breath, and she's way too big to curl up in my lap. It is fun to take her for a walk, though. Dizzy Wizzy Kitty never really leaves the house. Sometimes I carry her around in the yard or let her walk around the fenced back yard while I follow about three feet behind her.

Dizzy and Xena do NOT get along. Xena very much wants to smooch or possibly swallow Dizzy, and Dizzy very much wants to kill Xena. I'm glad our house has lots of doors. We've created the Dizzy zone and the Xena zone.

Although cats have the reputation for being aloof and independent, Xena is much more self-sufficient than Dizzy. Last night Xena actually put herself to bed. Around 10:30 she went in her kennel and laid down. The Husband gave her a treat and closed the door, and we didn't hear another peep out of her.

Dizzy, on the other hand, stomps around meowing until I lie down in the bed. Then she crawls on me all night. It must have been particularly cold last night because I woke up with Dizzy sleeping half on my neck and half on my face. Later she pushed all the blankets off of me with her nose because she was trying to burrow under them. Meanwhile the dog was soundly (and quietly) sleeping in her own room in her own bed.

I wouldn't trade my Dizzy Wizzy Kitty for the world, though.

Career Crisis

2007-11-21T20:42:00.000-06:00

How often is normal for your job to make you cry?

(Or whatever your emotional equivalent to crying is)

Surely it's not never? Do people have jobs that never make them cry?

Something You Can Do For Good

2007-11-19T15:55:00.000-06:00

Yesterday's post was a big ol' bummer, so here's a really dorky awesome way to do some good in the world. Click the button below and go play the Free Rice vocabulary quiz. Every question you get correct earns the United Nations World Food Program (excuse me, I mean "Programme") a donation for their global operations.

If the get a word wrong, the questions get easier. If you get three in row correct, you go up a level in difficulty. So far, I tend to top out at about level 43 of 50 , but I've gotten as high as 46. Y'all are super nerdy. Try to beat me, and feed some hungry people while you work out your big brain.

Revolution Never?

2007-11-19T15:21:00.000-06:00

The conference I was at last week was hosted by the state for agencies that work on preventing bad things from happening to kids: child abuse, juvenile delinquency, drug addiction, suicide, etc. Many of these problems are also wrapped up in the issue of poverty, so the opening keynote speaker gave a presentation on the book, Bridges Out of Poverty. I can't recommend this book enough for anyone who has to face poverty, whether it be in your personal or professional life, or if you just want to understand the experiences of a huge segment in our society.

During her presentation the speaker told a story of a woman she had been working with. It's not an exceptional story, and it's one I've heard a million times in different incarnations, but for some reason it hit me in the gut this time.

The woman - I'll call her Mary - was receiving training from a nonprofit agency on how to be more self-sufficient. She really took the lessons to heart and worked hard to get some education and improve her chances for a good job.

Mary received certification as a nursing assistant, and got a job at $7 an hour. She was a reliable, dedicated worker and got a raise to $7.75 an hour after only a few months.

Once Mary was making "so much" money, her housing subsidy was cut; her food stamps were cut; all the benefits she counted on to make ends meet while working hard and trying to improve her family's life were cut. Even though she did what she was "supposed to" - got an education, worked hard, received a raise - she found herself $400 behind every month. Despite her full time job, Mary had to sell plasma to pay her bills.

What should she have done differently? So much of the political rhetoric of the current government touts personal responsibility and excoriates the welfare state. Mary took responsibility and made good choices, and look what happened to her.

The main reason this story infuriated me is that it makes me feel powerless. An individual can respond to so many problems by volunteering time or making donations. But when it comes to economic and political forces I have no faith that anything I do will make life better for people like Mary. It doesn't matter how many letters I write or who I vote for or where I shop. As a society we've decided that people like Mary are expendable. We're willing to leave her behind no matter how hard she tries. It makes me sick, and it makes me want to burn something down.

The Outrage!

2007-11-14T12:23:00.000-06:00

I just tried to order a margarita with my lunch and was told the bar is closed! Did you ever hear of such an absurd thing? It is the middle of the day, and I'm stuck in a hotel for the next two hours. I should be drunk.

Originally, I was supposed to leave yesterday evening, but I ensickened my boss with my strep infection, and she wasn't able to come to Austin today to take care of some administration with state funding. She asked me to stick around to substitute for her, but the meeting got done several hours early.

I was really looking forward to taunting the internet with the fact I was sipping margaritas at noon on a Wednesday, but this stupid hotel thwarted me. You can bet if I was at the airport right now, I wouldn't be having this problem. Last time I was at an airport bar in the middle of the day, I ordered a gin and tonic and then had to request extra tonic because the gin fumes alone were curling my eyelashes.

Call Me a Brain Doctor!

2007-11-12T18:12:00.000-06:00

Oh, lordy! I just walked not five minutes next door to pick up some sushi, and I fell down halfway there. There I was, walking along the perfectly even pavement, and my right foot just konked out on me. It must have been quite a hilarious spectacle because I stumbled for several steps before I hit the deck, each time nearly catching myself, but my legs just wouldn't move fast enough.

Then, once I made it back to the hotel, I tried to open my room door with a credit card.

P.S. I just noticed I'm wearing my pajamas both inside out and backwards.

Unmedicated Duckling

2007-11-12T17:27:00.000-06:00

So, I made it to Austin with a bunch of wet underpants, but in my effort to correctly transport my liquids and gels, I forgot all about packing my non-liquids and gels, including my toothbrush. I cleaned my teeth with a washcloth this morning. Fortunately the hotel gift shop sells toothbrushes, and I was able to attend to my dental hygiene during the lunch break.

More distressingly, I also left behind all my medication: birth control, my crazy pills, and the antibiotics, as well as the more elective drugs such as the muscle relaxers for my neck. I'm really worried about going cold turkey off the Lexapro for two days, but I have skipped one day before without any noticeable effects. I'm not too concerned about missing a couple of days of birth control since I'm minus The Husband while I'm out of town. And, as long as a super-bug doesn't overcome my immune system before Wednesday, I should be OK without the antibiotics.

Mostly, I'm really annoyed at this pattern of stupidity. Up until recently I have been able to do laundry and pack my own luggage with a nearly 100% rate of success. It's like my brain went on vacation and didn't invite me. Am I getting old? Am I over medicated? Is all that tequila finally catching up with me? I'm not sure I really want to know.

Laundry Disability

2007-11-12T13:03:00.000-06:00

For some reason, I can not successfully manage my laundry. Sometimes I wash a load but neglect to put it in the dryer, resulting in scorched panties in the microwave. Other times I put laundry in the dryer but forget to actually turn the dryer on. I recently attended a doctor's appointment wearing The Husband's pants because every single pair of pants I owned were soaking wet, and they're too big to stick in the microwave.

My biggest challenge seems to be in operating the washing machine. Nine times out of ten I load the clothes, turn on the water, add detergent, and walk away, overlooking the all-important step of closing the lid. I'm sure once I complete the laundry, my clothes are exceptionally clean because they usually spend at least an hour soaking before I realize the washing machine is strangely quiet.

However, when I have a plane to catch, the thoroughness of the soaking is not as important as actually having clean clothes to put on my body to make it out the door on time, which is why I ended up wearing clammy, soggy jeans on my plane ride to Austin while toting a suitcase full of damp panties.

The damp panties ended up not being as bad as what did NOT make it into my suitcase, but I'll have to gripe about that later.

Breaking News!

2007-11-11T19:52:00.000-06:00

In a startling development, it turns out I was sick. Huh. Who knew?

Evidently I was willing to endure weeks of digestive issues and snurfy sinuses, but once I became pathetic enough to ask members of my staff to feel me and tell me if I felt hot, I realized I really needed to go to the doctor.

The physician's assistant (who doesn't think I'm crazy) was able to see me within hours of my pitiful phone call and quickly diagnosed me with strep. She shot my butt full of penicillin and sent me on my way with a prescription for additional antibiotics.

Antibiotics are great over the long term, but when you're lying on the couch shivering and aching and burning up with fever, ibuprofen is magic. Cram enough of that down your gullet and you'll be watching Battlestar Galactica and yelling at the TV in 45 minutes flat.

Anyway, I'm in Austin for a conference tomorrow, so more about that later.

Five Days

2007-11-07T13:30:00.000-06:00

Evidently that's about how long I can live on ice water, Gatorade, and vegetable broth. I broke down last night and ate some pizza.

I know that wasn't the best choice of food after suffering gastrointestinally for several days. What I really wanted was rice - steamed white rice with soy sauce. But, The Husband suggested pizza, and I was so starving for the first time in days that I was willing to eat anything.

Over the weekend I had been experimentally nibbling on some crackers from time to time, but Sunday night I experienced a supremely embarrassing digestive incident, so I didn't take any chances with solid food all day Monday and Tuesday. By Tuesday night a couple of pieces of pizza sounded like ambrosia of the gods. I tried to take it easy, but the first two pieces didn't touch my hunger. I did manage to stop myself after the third.

Let me tell you, that ambrosia of the gods wasn't so heavenly the second time around. Around midnight, I thought I was going to die, and at that point, I probably wouldn't have minded a little death so much. I'm back on soup and clear liquids for the foreseeable future. I never ever want to feel that bad again.

The really weird thing is that I don't seem to be losing any weight. I'm not sure how much I weighed before my involuntary fast, but at least for the past few days, it's stayed exactly the same. Maybe I'm some kind of mutant, and scientists should study my genes. Maybe I could save famine victims around the world with my awesome power of Super Fatness!

Super Fatty mocks you Jenny Craig! You too, Dr. Atkins! Super Fatty's chubby butt needs no chocolate cake to maintain its amazing fatness. Super Fatty can turn the very air into cellulite!

Lucky me.

Am I Dead Yet?

2007-11-04T15:46:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I have been living in the Duckling House of Consumption and Cholera for several days now. We both contracted minor colds in the past couple of weeks, but as is depressingly usual, mine turned into days of wheezing, coughing, snoring, and exhaustion. After about 24 hours of fitful, sweaty sleep, I crawled out of bed on Thursday evening finally feeling better.

That "feeling better" thing was terribly short lived, as I was stricken with some - let's just say, rather unpleasant - manner of gastrointestinal distress almost immediately upon consuming a small snack of cheese and crackers. Unfortunately, misery does love company, and The Husband began horking his guts out Friday night.

I've not eaten anything other than some soon to be regurgitated crackers since Thursday. The Husband seems to be tolerating solid food significantly more successfully. As long as I don't eat anything at all, I feel OK. How long do you think I can live on ice water, Gatorade, and vegetable broth?

Eleven Years Old

2007-10-30T20:51:00.000-05:00

This weekend The Husband and I spent several hours hanging out with Serenity Springs' offspring. He is eleven years old, totally awesome, and a complete spaz in the very best way possible. During our evening of excellent funness, we:

Played video games
Watched The Simpsons
Ate quesadillas
Played Monopoly
Splashed around in the hot tub (Bonus awesome points to The Offspring for figuring out how to make the hot tub lights flash in a disco-party type fashion. Also, he is the first guest in our house who has even been willing to get in the hot tub)
Played Outburst
Played Moods (which was really weird because that's the game I usually make everyone play when I'm drunk)
Played Twister (Jeez! I am way too old and decrepit to be doing that.)
Ate cupcakes
Played Jenga

Evidently we are tons of fun and awesome ourselves because we virtually had to throw him forcibly out the door when his folks came to pick him up.

Thanks, Holly, for trusting us with your kid and saving me from having to give birth to my own. I hope you'll let us borrow him from time to time when we need a little spaztastic fun time in our lazy grown up lives.

It's a Meme!

2007-10-30T13:27:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Redneck Mother who stole it from someone else who stole it from someone else, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

Anyhoo, the idea is to find five phrases for which your blog is the #1 hit on Google. To make it more interesting, I didn't allow phrases in quotation marks. Here are my five in the order in which they please me.

1. giant squirrel lady-parts

2. toilet-trained moron convention

3. chasing chimichangas

4. not-so-HOTT anal action

5. arbitrary gender doodad

This blog is also the #1 hit for Unruly Duckling, but that seemed too easy.

Post yours or a link to them in the comments.

Random Photo Friday: Halloween Edition

2007-10-26T20:49:00.000-05:00

This is a timely selection for this week.

On Halloween 2001, The Husband and I had only been dating for about a month. At this early stage in our relationship, he was still acting like a good sport who was willing to go along with my goofy schemes, and I was still acting like I was thin.

After the next year's Sonny and Cher debacle, we never attended another costume party together again.

However, he did have the awesome idea to dress up like a headless wolf to go along with my murderous Little Red Riding Hood costume this year. Alas, that would have required way more effort than we were willing to expend, but I give him full credit for suggesting it.

Halloween Kickoff

2007-10-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

The Halloween season got off to an early start this year with the traditional annual crazy-ass costume party last Saturday. I actually sustained an injury to my right eyebrow when I was whapped in the face with pirate-Jesus' cutlass during an ax/sword fight with a phony soldier. At least I'm pretty sure that's what happened; I'm a bit fuzzy on the details.

Here I am at the beginning of the evening:

I hated to pixelate myself because I think I looked pretty cute here. Granted I was going for maniacal, but I'm just too adorable to pull it off.

Now, here I am at the end of the night:

Again, too bad this is a pseudonymous blog because the expression on my face here is way past maniacal and heading towards whacked out. I do not remember posing for this picture. Please note the giant drink in my hand above.

Other highlights included the pirate-Jesus/pimp-Jesus face off and the wildly inappropriate "Klutzo the Christian Clown" costume.

Random Photo Friday: Edition française

2007-10-19T15:36:00.000-05:00

This pic of La Grande Arche de la Defense was originally posted on my old TikiWikiGeeky whatever blog during the trip The Husband (then The Boyfriend) and I took to Paris in 2003. Evidently the guidebook we were carrying that day really sucked because we were completely flummoxed as to what the hell this big square thing was for.

Although his comment has been lost to the ages, Lunchstealer correctly pointed out that it is a monument to humanitarian ideals, etc. but also an office building and exhibition space. I believe the net you see there in the middle was erected because pieces of the thing were falling on people's heads, but I don't remember where I heard that, so don't quote me on it.

So, What's Up With That Pain in Your Neck?

2007-10-16T12:55:00.000-05:00

Thanks for asking.

According to the MRI report I have a minor bulge in the disk between my C5 and C6 vertebrae. It is not currently "wreaking havoc," which is a relief, I suppose, but somehow, that doesn't strike me as the proper technical medical terminology. Unfortunately, the orthopedist did not have the actual films to read, but I'm hoping that whoever wrote the report is trustworthy.

Evidently, this bulgy disk is causing cervical radiculopathy. I had to look that up to be sure that it wasn't some secret doctor-speak for "this patient has a ridiculous complaint" because when I heard it out loud, that's exactly what it sounded like to me.

I'll have to take plenty of pills, although none of the fun ones. Boo! Also, I have to subject myself to physical therapy a couple of times a week. The next step in the course of treatment is to receive some sort of "risky" neck injections, so I really want this drugs and therapy thing to work. The bad news is that these problems generally do progress, so someday (may it be many years from now) I probably will need surgery. In that case, I'm definitely insisting on the fun pills.

Hallow-weenie

2007-10-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

Evidently becoming a homeowner has turned me into a big dork who may be one step away from wearing denim jumpers and sweatshirts with kittens appliquéd on them.

Marvel at my adorable fall decorations.

I am way too pleased with this tiny hay bale to be normal.

Finally no denim-jumper wearing kitten-sweatshirt loving dork can be without the ever so lovely fake flower arrangement.

Note to Self

2007-10-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

Do not eat nothing but Pop-Tarts for breakfast. You will experience a near fatal blood sugar crash well before noon.

Just Call Me Farmer Duckling

2007-10-14T17:49:00.000-05:00

The Husband and I spent most of the last two weekends putting in a new flower bed.

First we had to break ground.

Just digging up this perimeter resulted in two wheelbarrows full of grass and dirt.

It turns out that The Husband and I kind of suck at digging, so we brought in his mom for some expert help. With her assistance we cleared the bed in a few hours.

Yesterday, we got to do the easy part: plant stuff.

These plants have barely been surviving for the past couple of years in pots that were too small and enduring much neglect, just biding their time until they could put down real roots. The Husband bought several of these plants for me on my first birthday after we were married. He grew the Eve's Necklace from seed. The plan all along was to put these plants in the ground when we had a home of our own.

The Return of Random Photo Friday - Paternal Edition

2007-10-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

Here's my dad. He's great.

I remember when my brother and I were little, he taught us how to catch crawdads in the creek behind our house with a piece of twine and some bacon. He also made us bows and arrows out of sticks and kite string.

Sometimes when we were falling asleep in the back seat, he'd swerve the car just a little to see if he could make us bonk our heads on the window.

I'm not sure who it was, but someone gave him some snake eggs, and he had the idea to hatch them in our yogurt maker. One day we woke up to a yogurt maker full of hatched snake eggs and no snakes. Turns out yogurt makers are not appropriate devices for post-hatching baby snake containment.

My grandfather used to raise small ponies/large miniature horses. They were more or less feral, but of course I always wanted to ride them despite the fact they were nearly impossible to catch and not trained to wear a saddle at all. Being such a brilliant child, I told my dad I thought I could ride one if it came near the fence and I jumped on it. Being such a thoughtful dad, he suggested I try it.

I did get one leg over the black one and good enough grip on its mane that I managed to hang on as it sprinted half way across the field. When I finally fell off in a pile of rocks and weeds, my dad came running over laughing so hard he could barely stand up.

I remember my dad laughing that hard another time. Just after my 17th birthday, I got my driver's license. As my birthday present, my parent's had our old VW bug painted purple for me. My very first act as a new driver was to pull the car, with its brand new paint job, off the street and into the garage. As my family stood in the yard watching me, I popped the clutch, and the car, with its brand new paint job, jumped the curb and hit a light pole.

One time my dad got to the post office too late, and it was closed, so he cursed, "poopsticks." I still crack up when I think about it.

ETA: I can't believe I forgot about this one:

In junior high I really hated P.E. There was very little actual exercise involved, and changing clothes seemed like a stupid waste of time. One day I was whining at my dad before school, asking him to write me a note so I didn't have to participate in P.E., and he said he would.

Several minutes later he asked, "How do you spell 'weenie'?" For some reason this did not seem particularly strange to me.

When he gave me the note, I just stuck it in my pocket and didn't think any more about it until I was on my way to P.E.

Fortunately I opened the note before I gave it to my teacher. The note read, "Please excuse Unruly from P.E. today. She is a weenie."

At Home With The Husband

2007-10-10T18:25:00.000-05:00

Scene: The Husband and I are watching television when an odd-looking actress appears on the screen.

Me: Her eyes are so dark! She looks like an alien.

The Husband: I wish you were an alien.

Me: Why? I might infect you with black goo.

The Husband: Because then we could have human-alien hybrids.

Me: I thought you didn't want any children.

The Husband, rolling eyes: Not human ones.

Pain in the Neck, Pt. 2

2007-10-09T18:23:00.000-05:00

About a week ago my neck malfunctioned again, this time while I was picking up a piece of paper. Since this was the second time in a month, I decided to take it seriously and go to my doctor. I didn't get any fun medicine, but I did get a referral to an orthopedist.

While I was sitting in the exam room yesterday waiting for the appointment, I could hear someone in the next room crying, "Oh, oh, oh! No, stop! Please stop!" I considered leaving right then, but the doctor came in and started thumping me in various places with a rubber mallet and yanking my arms and manhandling my head. Fortunately, my injury is not so severe that I had to beg for mercy at any point.

Not finding anything obviously wrong with me, the doctor sent me to get an MRI today. That experience sucked 1000% more than I possibly could have predicted. The machine is extraordinarily loud, so they put foam plugs in my ears. As the foam expanded, all the sounds slowly faded away. Then they slid me into the tube - the nice, cozy, coffin-sized tube.

Immediately, I closed my eyes and tried to think spacious thoughts, but I started panicking. When they checked on me after the first minute, I told the Peter-Tork-looking technician that I was freaking out, so he advised me to imagine I was in a wide-open space, like the beach. Whatever. I could already tell that wasn't going to work, so I asked how long it would take. 20-25 minutes, he told me. Nearly half an hour without losing my mind and shrieking and flailing - I thought maybe I could do that.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not convince myself that I was in a wide-open space or any kind of space at all. Instead I pretended I was on a water slide. It was the only situation I could imagine where I would be happy to be stuck in a tube, and luckily it seemed to work, seeing as I'm not gibbering and drooling in an institution right now.

Not only was I fighting off buried-alive-in-a-coffin-type thoughts, but I also had to concentrate on staying perfectly still. Some of the images took 6 minutes to complete, and during that time I couldn't twitch, breathe too much, or even swallow. It's nearly impossible not to swallow while you're lying perfectly still on your back thinking desperately about not swallowing.

Finally they told me they were finished and would take me out. But then nothing happened for about 30 seconds. If it had taken 31 seconds I would have lost it. When the table didn't start moving right away, I was convinced that someone was wrong, and I was trapped. A full-scale panic was ratcheting up when they finally rescued me.

Of course, then my hospital gown came untied as I was leaving to retrieve my clothes, but at that point, I was more than happy to show them my ass, as long as it meant I was getting the hell out of there.

The Duckling Drinks Beaujolais-Villages Blanc

2007-09-08T19:12:00.000-05:00

Louis Jadot, Château des Jacques
Grand Clos de Loyse
2001 Beaujolais, Villages Blanc
Central Market, $15.69

The first whiff of this stuff was discouraging to say the least. Some tasting notes I found on the internet described it as "pure chard." I describe it as canned green beans.

However, if you can hold your nose long enough to take a sip, the flavors are wonderful. This wine was sweet and creamy with tastes of peach and vanilla with a hint of the brightness of lemon and a little bit of toasted marshmallow. I couldn't stop rolling it around in my mouth tasting all the different aspects.

As long as your nose isn't too sensitive to get over the scent, I'd definitely recommend this one.